vodka-pure

2007-05-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

YOU GOT ME AT HELLO

i've semimoved:
gluegunned.livejournal
so byebye blogger.

2007-05-21T22:09:00.000+08:00

The Instructions: How to Get There
Corey Mesler, from softblow.com

I'll sit at my desk all day
if it takes that to reach abstraction.

I drink my coffee left-handed
so it feels like a caress.

I look at pictures of people I hold dear.
Their faces are approximations.

The sunlight hitting the page is
the color of a cat, one I remember vaguely.

The first word I have today is
one I have kept in abeyance. The last word, too.

The dog turns around three times and
settles near my memory of the cat.

I will sit at my desk all day
if it takes that to reach obstruction.

What I meant to say was instruction.
The instructions say, go on. They say, go on.

-
today was quite a disappointing day for many people &this just proves how utterly screwed up our system is...meritocracy, like democracy is SUCH a shameless sham.

oh no do i sound bitter?
i am so not bitter hahaha. but anyway OMG HOW GREAT IS THE POEM ABOVE! "their faces are approximates" aaaah love that line, probably because sometimes that's how i feel &hello, mentioning coffee in a poem is like tick on my omgvcool genlist HAHA i am terribly shallow.

basically i just want to say i am tired and irritated, and that haagen dazs strawberry icecream is the panacea to ALL OF LIFE'S PROBLEMS AND SADNESS and everyone should invest in some haagen dazs now.
and also that ki kould kill me now. though i am enjoying the language module terribly, and that i need a new phone real bad, and that my seat partner,

low ching chieh
is like the best ahguin ever, deserves the most fantabulous of birthdays, and will go down in history as one of THE best vj choir presidents :D :D :D
LOVE YOU CHINGXZ <3

awshucks i have some really great friends YAY ((:

2007-05-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

HELLO OH BLOG ONE
my heart was full of sadness and worry (thanks ki) but then i went for service and then all was well because somebody said sth that really struck a chord in me and yeah i am less emo now. which is v good.
and, i'm really glad there is god to cling on to. sometimes i worry about superficiality and apathy but god is eternal and constant and nobody can ever ruin him!!! (which SO made sense huh) but yeah. til i see you face to face, and grace amazing takes me home, I'LL TRUST IN YOU (:

i am back to blogging normally!!!!!!!!!
also i am v v v hungry.
today i made a list of wht i wanted to buy and where i wanted to go and i realised as i was writing it down in my journal the places i wanted to go (sgp tyler print museum, books actually, haji lane, red dot design museum) i wanted to go with sonia and althea hahaha aww. love you guys, we need to meet up MULTIPLE TIMES over the hols!!

okay i'm staring at my star necklace, the one i bought from czech and which hannah says resembles sth she wore in K2 -.- and feeling very very happy and contented now. i wore it today and YAY i feel full of smooshy i love my necklace and i love everybody feelings haha also cos i just went to the class blog and looked at the shanghui-desecrated bel finger fifi (what awkward phrasing haha) and AW SO CUTE HAHA

i love my class ((:
okay i order everybody to be happy and hug at least five people today. yay!

2007-05-16T19:41:00.000+08:00

a little bit of cummings:

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

mhmm. i think, sometimes i try so much to be constantly happy and make other people happy and in the end everything falls flat and becomes a little hollow and sad.
THIS IS AN EMO MOMENT. i need some gentime to sleep and dream and swing and stop thinking of all the ridiculous expectations i place upon myself.
i remember last year i had this ludicrous optimism that i could make a difference and change the world and touch hearts and touch lives and i was DISCIPLINED last year and now this year all i feel is a modernist sort of emptiness and searching and a crippling hopelessness (ooh hi yeats, and t.s. eliot!)
and i used to believe that I could be the one to incite change by writing and by talking and by influencing people, but now all i write is banal crap and i can't live with myself, honestly, if i keep writing like that. because it is too important for me not be great at it. i think, maybe i'm just tired and anxious all the time because i alw want to the bestest, that i have lost the ability to bring some sort of beauty in this srsly screwed up world (MODERNISM, LALALA)

sitting in the audience for the first time in three years during an investiture made me think a lot and yeah, what makes a leader?
i think i have lost the ability to be a leader. it's like along with the tie i stripped off a part of me that was scary and disciplined and DID stuff. and i miss that gen who wasn't always airheaded and stupid and saying ridiculous things and being unserious and irritatingly flippant all the time. so now i question my identity: did i rely too much on the badge and tie to prove that i was capable and responsible? and now without them, why does it feel so easy to sink into laziness and just let everyone else do the leading while you take the backseat?

yesterday's modernism NOT-test -.- on the auden poem, the poem really struck me the way the tone was deliberately flippant even in its sadness. sometimes things hit and hurt you so deeply that in order to hide your true feelings you end up becoming flippant about it, even while wanting it with an almost sort of desperation that is so unbelieveably pathetic. like wanting time to be turned back and events that you could press rewind, repeat x100 and treasure more, love more, do more.

i guess it's a good time to reflect and not get carried away with the flippant gen persona (THIS IS HOW LIT PERMEATES EVERY PARTICLE OF LIFE!!!!) err especially since i have 2946284629 things to do and a ki ct to mug for HAHAAA.
oh wow i am becoming v serious and scary and introspective O.o
anyway i just found this, it is beautiful and wonderful and good writing should always be shared so tadah :D

Cartoon Physics, Part 1
Nick Flynn

Children under, say, ten shouldn't know
that the universe is ever-expanding,
inexorably pushing into the vacuum, galaxies

swallowed by galaxies, whole

solar systems collapsing, all of it
acted out in silence. At ten we are still learning

the rules of cartoon animation,

that if a man draws a door on a rock
only he can pass through it.

Anyone else who tries

will crash into the rock. Ten-year-olds
should stick with burning houses, car wrecks,
ships going down - earthbound, tangible

disasters, arenas

where they can be heroes. You can run
back into a burning house, sinking ships

have lifeboats, the trucks will come
with their ladders, if you jump

you will be saved. A child

places her hand on the roof of a schoolbus,
& drives across a city of sand. She knows

the exact spot it will skid, at which point
the bridge will give, who will swim to safety
& who will be pulled under by sharks. She will learn

that if a man runs off the edge of a cliff
he will not fall

until he notices his mistake.

-
i miss the sort of i can conquer the world and save the world from bad people and protect everyone i love kind of invincible i am cooler than you feeling.
okay now i will go do my homework and stop thinking so much.
either that or get a frigging lj so i can f-lock and protect people from teenangst emoshitxz!!!

p/s YAY CHINGXZ MONGXZ LIX AND STEPH FOR EXCELLENT CONCERT LAST NIGHT (: even though the concert was the primary reason why i slouched around school looking like a geeky undead today.

2007-05-13T00:29:00.001+08:00

Just as the winged energy of delight
carried you over many chasms early on,
now raise the daringly imagined arch
holding up the astounding bridges.

Miracle doesn't lie only in the amazing
living through and defeat of danger;
miracles become miracles in the clear
achievement that is earned.

To work with things is not hubris
when building the association beyond words;
denser and denser the pattern becomes-
being carried along is not enough.

Take your well-disciplined strengths
and stretch them between two
opposing poles. Because inside human beings
is where God learns.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

rilke <3

2007-05-12T23:30:00.000+08:00

haha originally i wrote a long angsty post after my long hard argument with my mother but blogger ate it all up and for once i am quite happy that blogger ate my ridiculously whiny post up.

i have a theory, and that is everyone should get a blog.
and then they should blog about what they do with themselves, everyday, and every single thought feeling and action OBSESSIVELY in the vein of a stalker (except they...would be stalking themselves hahaha)
incidentally, my best friends in the whole wide world do not possess blogs (AHEM. LOOKS AT CERTAIN PEOPLE WHOSE NAMES START WITH S AND A.) SO THIS SHOULD BE RECTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

anyway i must profess a loathing for Irritatingly Happy Gen. she is always ridiculously high and finds ways to be happy, REGARDLESS OF THE SAD SAD SITUATION SHE IS IN. even though gen would like to be sad and angsty for ONE DAY, no she cannot! because irritating gen will find ways to be happy, like watching oth and sighing over HOT GUYS READING POETRY <3 <3
irritatingly happy gen is a MENACE TO THE MENTAL STABILITY OF SOCIETY. irritatingly happy gen should be LOCKED UP IN AN INSTITUTION AND KEPT AWAY FROM HERSELF.
this is why i will never ever be cool!!!!!!!!
i was watching jack &bobby yst and that is what jack said! and then bobby said why not. and jack said because the cool people are never enthusiastic about anything. oh no, this does not bode well for my future um. popularity hahaha.

okay yay. hahaha now i am quite happy and satisfied with my (pitifully small) lot again so all is right in my little world and i shall run off and read more lovely poetry to myself (sadly there is no hot guy to read poetry out loud to me, i am deeply morose) and also to watch oth (: (:

ANYWAY THIS IS JUST TO SAY NO I AM NOT ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF AND I AM STILL HAPPILY ALIVE, THANKS.
(and if you construe this as being bimbotic, then props to you!!)

2007-05-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

Here I am, Oh God
I bring this sacrifice--my open heart.
I offer up my life.
I look to You, Lord.
Your love that never ends
Restores me again

So I lift my eyes to you Lord
In your strength will I break through Lord
Touch me now, let your love fall down on me
I know your love dispels all my fears
Through the storm I will hold on Lord
And by faith I will walk on Lord
Then I'll see beyond my calvary one day
And I will be complete in You

I AM ANGSTY GIRL !!!!!
BUT I BELIEEEEEVE,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF ME (I LOVE NATIONAL DAY SONGS)
~~i am crushed, but i will get over it because it is too stupid to whine about lack of talent~~

i am blasting the four part college anthem from my itunes and singing along with all the enthusiasm of a communist rafflesian, I HAVE BEEN INDOCTRINATED BY THE GREEN WHITE AND BLACK.
one day (maybe tomorrow) i will write a song about silence and waiting and high, high ceilings and friends like sonia and althea who ENCOMPASS LOVE <3

2007-05-09T22:11:00.000+08:00

shamelessly ripped from softblow.com's art archives, i love this picture, the drawings of the dragonflies are really intricate and lovely in this gorgeously ethereal way.

i guess. yeah i'm disappointed about the syf results.

yet i am DAMN PROUD of us and how far we've come and how much we've improved and grown closer and learnt to put our 280% into chorale.
i am proud of our performance yesterday because we put our heart into it, and we created music on stage. that's what we set out to do, AND WE DID IT.
that's why even though all we got was a silver, i don't regret all the hard work we put in, and i don't regret our performance on stage. there really is nothing to regret.
and yknow, i enjoyed every minute of it (:
i love raffles chorale

today's J1 lunch was highly entertaining haha
and i guess it says a lot that even after crushing disappointment we don't sit in a corner and sob to ourselves bemoaning the world for its unfairness re transposition, but we go to marina square food court and eat throat-killing things (: and then kill whatever semblance of reputation our school has by sprawling all over the open air courtyard singing songs loudly. AND THEN the next day go to cafe cartel in school uniform and make a lot of noise.
oh no now we sound like hooligans hahaha.
yay i'm glad we have such a loveable bunch of people in rj ((:

other things i must talk about before i go to sleep:

1. i want to get a ceiling to floor bookshelf to cover one wall and spam books into it because i have books ALL OVER THE PLACE crammed into uncoordinated corners of the pathetically inadequate bookshelf, it is SUPER UNGLAM
2. life seems so empty now without chorale. omg damn sad pls.
3. P &P DUE ON FRIDAY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
4. dear god please let me find out tmrw. dear god i am freaking out. dear god worry is like a weight ~~is there any one out there, 'cos it's getting harder and harder to breathe~~

something that reminded me acutely of pamugun:

Please Take Back the Sparrows
Suzanne Buffam

Please take back the sparrows. They are bothersome and cute. They are brown and daily all year long. They make a plaything of the wind and the spruce. They come too close. They look right at me with their tiny black eyes. They dart through spaces. They pick up the pieces and the pace. From rooftop to eavetrough to wire to branch -- they spring spring spring spring spring spring spring. They are not sorry. They are not singing. Many they are one they are never not somewhere. They are not not singing. They are not slack. They fear the bluejay and the airedale. They drink from the pond! They scatter thinking. They are not asking or telling they are scattering thinking they are shivering. They are awake or they are shivering. Please, take back the sparrows. They bathe in dust.

):

2007-05-07T21:44:00.000+08:00

hahaha i think bands starting with the letter B make me happy! eg the Beatles, Belle and sebastian, Beck, Bell X1, Ben folds five! i love itunes :D

i am filled with the greatest of JOY AND HAPPINESS AND HWOAHNESS
tmrwtmrwtmrw, i believe in the HWOAH and i believe in RJ CHORALE ((:
originally i wanted gold with honours to prove that we could do it, that rj chorale is not noob!!!!, but now i don't really care about the gwh. (okay la a little bit, but i'm trying to suppress competitive mean gen hahahaha) and i just hope that tmrw we'll go onstage and MAKE SOME MUSIC, TOUCH SOME HEARTS and ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT (((:
it's moments like these, or special LT practice moments which make me so glad that i'm in chorale. oh man i love chorale, and i just really really hope tmrw we won't let ourselves down, mr toh down, or the J2s down and I'M JUST SUPER EXCITED.

TO SEE EVERYONE AGAIN <3 <3
HELLO CHINGXZ CHERIE LIX MONGXZ! GNIA SIEWYING JAN LE JEAN!

okay i am ready to ~~SAVE THE WORLD!!!!~~ sleep and wake up perky tmrw scared out of my wits but excited to make some srsly wonderful music WHEEEEEEEEEEEE

(i sound like i'm on CRACK, this is v bad)

2007-05-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

i am concentrating on breathing
in and out and in and out
and slowly, and slowly, and slower still.

I AM #1 EMOKID
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who kicks herself everyday for not treasuring the happy times, the unhappy times, the every time of last year. for not telling her friends while they were in the same school that she loved them, everyday.
i miss you all real bad ):

2007-05-02T22:43:00.000+08:00

BECAUSE WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS BEAUTY IN WORDS REMAIN (:

Gut Symmetries
Jeanette Winterson

Walk with me, hand in hand through the neon and styrofoam. Walk the razor blades and the broken hearts. Walk the fortune and the fortune hunted. Walk the chop suey bars and the tract of stars.
I know I am a fool, hoping dirt and glory are both a kind of luminous paint; the humiliations and exaltations that light us up. I see like a bug, everything too large, the pressure of infinity hammering at my head. But how else to live, vertical that I am, pressed down and pressing up simultaneously? I cannot assume you will understand me. It is just as likely that as I invent what I want to say, you will invent what you want to hear. Some story we must have. Stray words on crumpled paper. A weak signal into the outer space of each other.
The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it is immense. We send starships. We fall in love.

-
and a long poem, but so cute;

A finger, two stars, then me
Derrick C. Brown

Lying together in the park on Seventh,
our backs smoosh grass and I say
I will love you till I become a child again,
when feeding me and bathing me is no longer romantic,
but rather necessary.

I will love you till there is no till.
Till I die.
And when that electroencephalogram shuts down, baby
that's when the real lovin' kicks in.

Forgive me for sounding selfish
but I won't be able to wait under the earth for you
(albeit a romantic thought for groundhogs,
gophers and the gooey worms).
I will not be able to wait for you...

but I will meet up with you
and here's where you will find me:
get a pen--

Hold your finger up
(two fingers if your hands are frail by now)
and count two stars directly to the left
of the North American moon.
You will find me there.
You will find me darting behind amazing quasars
Behind flirtatious winks
of bright and blasting boom stars!

Sometimes charging so far into space
the darkness goes blue.
I will be there chasing sound waves
riding them like two-dollar pony ride horses
that have finally broken free and wild.
I will be facing backwards, lying sideways,
no hands, sidesaddle, sometimes standing
sometimes screaming zip zang zowie!
My God, it's good to be back in space... Where is everybody?

You will recognize my voice.
You will see the flash of a fire trail
burning off the back of me
burning like a gasoline comet kerosene sapphire.
This is my voice.
Don't look for my body or a ghost.
I'll resemble more a pilot light than a man now.

I'm sure some will see
this cobalt star white light from earth
and cast me a wish like a wonder bomb.
And I'll think "Hmmph. people still do that?"

I'm sure I'll take the light wonder bombs
to the point in the universe
where sound does end.
The back porch of God's summer home.

It's so quiet here, you float.
It feels the way cotton candy tastes.

I say to him... why do I call you God?
He says 'Because Grand Poobah sounds ridiculous.'
(Who knew he was so witty?)
I ask him 'Lord, so many poets have tried to nail it and missed, what is holy?'

At that moment,
the planets begin to spin and awaken
and large movie screens appear on Mars, Saturn and Venus
each bearing images I have witnessed
and over each and every clip flashes the word holy.

armadillos--holy
magic tricks--holy
cows' tongues--holy
snowballs upside the head--holy
clumsy first kisses--holy
sneaking into movies--holy
your mother teaching you to slow dance
the fear returning
the fear overcome--holy
eating top ramen on upside-down frisbees
cause it was either plates or more beer--holy
drunk beach cruiser nights--holy
the $5.00 you made in vegas
and the $450.00 you lost--holy
the last time you were nervous holding hands--holy
feeling God at a pool hall but not church--holy
sleeping during your uncle's memorized dinner prayer--holy
losing your watch in the waves and all that signifies--holy
the day you got to really speak to your father cause the television broke--holy
the day your grandmother told you something meaningful
cause she was dying--holy
the medicine
the hope
the blood
the fear
the trust
the crush
the work
the loss
the love
the test
the birth
the end
the finale
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
the design
in the stars
is the same
in our hearts
in the rebuilt machinery of our hearts

So love, you should know what to look for
and exactly where to go...

Take your time and don't worry about getting lost.
You'll find me.
Up there, a finger and two dots away.
If you're wondering if I'll still be able to hold you
...I honestly don't know

But I do know that I could still fall for
a swish of light that comes barreling
and cascading towards me.

It will resemble your sweet definite hands.
The universe will bend.
The planets will bow.
And I will say "Oh, there you are. I been waitin' for ya. Now we can go."

And the two pilot lights go zoooooooom
into the black construction paper night

as somewhere else
two other lovers lie down on their backs and say
"What the hell was that?"

-
i want to write like that but i'm scared i can't, anymore.
i'm looking for a poem. by an asian author i think. it is about her fears as a writer and it's honest and sincere and i am an idiot for not saving it in my computer but yeah.
anyway i bought $2 earrings today and borrowed a whole bunch of poetry from the library so i am semihappy kid (:

2007-05-02T02:37:00.000+08:00

HELLO WORLD I KNOW IT'S THREE AM.
my sleep cycle is whacked, i came home at like six after a nice long talk with jan &quanquan and fell asleep at seven and woke up at 1AM and now i cannot get back to sleep so i decided to email my pw group. hahaha.
also, i am super hungry )):

HWHOAH! yay i'm really glad today's practice at vch sounded a lot better than saturday's and i actually enjoyed myself more on stage this time and concentrated more on hearing other sections &enjoying the music haha. jan said some really encouraging things so THERE IS STILL HOPE and i think we must really, really commit 287.9% (weird number, i dno why hahaha) and start taking ownership of this syf instead of always relying on a few people to pull us up, or on our conductor to magically make us sound good. i guess being in a choir is really all about teamwork and not letting each other down and not letting yourself and the hard work you've put in down.
WE MUST BELIEVE WE CAN DO IT!!! and drag each other up (: i think what he said the other day about being inspired by the music is really true, our music must inspire us first before we can inspire others. but without belief (how can it become knowledge hahahaha) in ourselves, we can't go anywhere.
but yay i'm really glad i'm in chorale!
THE HWOAH WORKS. BELIEVE IN THE HWOAH.
:D

oh i just remembered something that came to me on saturday during service. sometimes i really compartmentalise things like chorale and school and god. but god transcends life compartments! and i believe he is looking out for rj chorale (:

OMG I AM DAMN HUNGRY ): i just ate an antibacterial lozenge, i think i may be getting addicted to antibacterial lozenges.
okay after this perky and chorale fueled post to reassure everyone that yes i am still alive thanks i am going to force myself back to sleep by taking a sedative or something, if i can find ANYTHING EDIBLE IN THE DUMB FRIDGE.

aaaaaah i miss everyone so much ): cclgmm, the choir grey tags, table partners, sonia, althea, recess people, FOUR TRUTH. life really isn't the same without you guys )):
I WANT TO SING SURIRAM and all the 294629 st nicks songs again ): i just miss everything we had together and all the collective shared memories. the seniors keep singing soleram which just makes me want to HELA ROTAN even more hahaha.
but rah, let go let go. i think something really hard for me to do is letting go and LETTING GOD. or even just appreciating the present and not always thinking about the past. i mean, the past may not even be REAL, if we base all our knowledge of the world on sense data! (okay it starts getting a bit worrying when i start interspersing ki into my blog entries O.o and especially when i knw where that criticism with skepticism about past and future is in my textbook)
but yeah anyway. i miss you guys a lot a lot, i miss all the seniors and juniors and teachers and singing the st nicks school song, and saying the lord's prayer in the morning. okay now i want to run around madly giving hugs to people haha.

okay i will FORCE myself to sleep after eating like. an apple or something.
omg i lead such a sad sad life.

2007-04-25T22:52:00.000+08:00

Variation On The Word Sleep
Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and as you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

-
love margaret atwood.
but i disagree with the last line haha i wouldn't like to be unnoticed, because i am immature and childish that way.
yay today was such a day of small happinesses hahaha and there's chorale tmrw and SPORTS DAY! on friday and i can't wait :D
SONIA KWEK AND ALTHEA QUEK I MISS YOU GUYS ):

i find it quite amusing that there are people who think they hide their dislike of others so well the disliked person doesn't know.

2007-04-24T23:01:00.000+08:00

i really, really hate to brag but

CHIJ ST NICHOLAS GIRLS' SCHOOL CHOIR
GOLD WITH HONOURS

omg i am SO PROUD of you guys and how much work you all put in to perfecting jaacobin and sakura, when you started singing everyone sang it was like, NON STOP SMILING OKAY and then the altos! omg <3 <3 <3
YAY I AM SO DAMN HAPPY

and you know the feeling when they announce and there's this short pause between gold and with honours, the feeling when you realise omg WE PWNZ ALL, that feeling is just the best feeling in the whole damn world.
and it just made me feel 4826493x more determined to work harder for OUR syf and to put in 472956282x more effort and practice.

RJ CHORALE FTW :D :D

p/s i love you clicky click <3

2007-04-21T23:54:00.000+08:00

GOD IS BIGGER THAN THE AIR I BREATHE
THE WORLD WE'LL LEAVE
AND GOD, WILL SAVE THE DAY
AND ALL WILL SAY
MY GLORIOUS

instead of slouching around being all emo and mopey about my utter lack of brains (and /or control over mouth; and /or speaking without natural brain stupidity filters) I WILL FIND THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR:

1. all the wonderful people god has placed in my life (:
2. my strawberry shortcake balloon from cclmm which floats round my house and scares everyone!
3. early sky mornings
4. beautiful poetry
5. pictures and words and hugs which make your heart break
6. flowers and friends and family

anyway it's midnight, i slept away the whole day and then woke up and pored through all the newspapers (including the saturday section, which i almost always never read)! for the first time in a long while. and then read the economist cover to cover so I AM V UPTODATE RE WORLD ISSUES. YAY ME.
i think things get a little dire when i get happy because i can read the newspapers.

i think what he said today in chorale really made a lot of sense.
lately i've been grappling with results and a lot of other rubbish and overthinking (all the usual gen things) why should i be ashamed of what i got? just because it didn't measure up to the world's standards, or it didn't measure up to my own ridiculously high expectations: SO WHAT?
i did my best, i really went all out and studied like crazy, and if this is my standard according to the world's standards, why should i be sad or disappointed?
from a god point of view, it doesn't matter if i'm not the best, not the smartest, not the funnest, because what's most important is how god views me, and his opinion is the one that is the important.

and i think, that is step #1 on the road to stop comparing, stop competing and start accepting (: GEN YOU ARE SO RIDICULOUS!! you beat yourself up for being all the things you can't help being and you lose sight of what is important.
i am so, so very blessed already.
and i know that god's plans for me will come to pass, so everything else should be, IS secondary.

[edit] i think a lot of people have also been struggling with competition, i went round and read a couple of blogs. actually i find this quite funny, if we're ALL competing against this socalled superperfect person, who exactly is this superperfect person? maybe he /she's just an urban myth haha [/edit]

THAT GIRL WAS A WILD CHILD DREAMER BUT SHE FOUND HERSELF
AND SHE BELIEVES IN NOTHING ELSE!
hahaha bimbo movies are v v v therapeutic

2007-04-20T20:01:00.000+08:00

haha days like this make me really happy (:

FOUR TRUTH PEOPLE
CLASS GATHERING
AT ST NICKS, SPORTS DAY 07, NEXT FRIDAY!
(GREEN FTW! <3 <3)

anyway i was walking home from the bus stop just now (HAHA I WILL NEVER WALK HOME FROM SCHOOL, I AM LAZY) and i started thinking about how much easier it was to say I LOVE YOU, than i like you. it's like you get into a habit of saying i love you and you say it to an indiscriminate number of people. and then it loses impact and power because you repeat so often.
in my defence, i have to say i really do love all the people i yell i love you to.
but i dno. i'm glad that i also like most of the people i love (:

i think getting my ki textbook (nerdxz) today makes me feel philosophical and intellectual (hahaaa)

and i think it's good that rj has so many loveable people haha. and that i should stop comparing rj to st nicks. different school, different culture, different people. EMBRACE IT!! (and stop whining)

RAP was super interesting today. somehow i expected to fall asleep and /or break out the math halfway through but haha apparently i am interested in many things like um. indian political systems &the direction of asean. yay!

and, that my voice adopts this weird accent whenever i'm sick.
it's like mutating my voice makes my throat hurt less HAHAHA i have weird throat, and there are syf audits tmrw at ungodly eight am, and so therefore i die, hurrah x a billion. i should stop being sick all the time. it's distracting.

I AM TRYING TO LISTEN TO PAMUGUM ON ITUNES BUT THE SOUND KEEPS SPASMING. NO MATTER, I SHALL LISTEN TO IT ON REPEAT ON MY IPOD INSTEAD.
ooh wait. itunes is back to normal. yay.

we have coloured hearts and coloured skies.
they are artificial in their technicolour:
purposefully red, deliberately angry.
all of this has a purpose, nothing
is accidental, nothing is real.

i can't imagine someone going on a killing rampage in a school. it is v scary, and somehow the virginia tech incident makes me treasure the security and safety we have in school here. singapore is v v v sheltered.

i am thinking of getting an f'locked lj.
and i blog damn stupidly hahahaha

2007-04-17T22:38:00.000+08:00

I WILL GET PERSPECTIVE.
GRADES DO NOT EQUAL SELF WORTH.
P'OUTINGS > SCHOOL, NO EXCEPTIONS

IGNORE THE EMO.

people used to ask me, all the time, eh so how in st nicks, are you stressed? and i would think to myself and the answer would always be no, because in st nicks everyone is good in one area and everyone respects that. but it seems in rj everyone is good in everything and so they pwnz all hands down and so there is no competition and so you get stressed trying to be superperfect and supersmart and #1 all the time

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROTHER <3
YOU ARE LOVED MUCHLY, EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE TOO TALL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AND YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS THE NICE BOY YOU INNATELY ARE.

ON OTHER ISSUES, I THINK I BLOG TOO MUCH.
AND I MUST STOP WHINING, BECAUSE INCESSANT WHINING IS SIMPLY TOO UNATTRACTIVE.

p/s i realised i forgot to thank so many other people in my last post so i shall do so now :D
HUILIN for bunning my hair;
QUANQUAN for being my oldest friend in rjchorale and being your whiny irritatingly adorable self. i love you, quanquan!
and, um, i can't rmbr all the other people but ohwell, i love you all too :D

2007-04-16T22:51:00.001+08:00

HERE ARE TWO PIECES OF BEAUTY <3

here is the ocean,this is moonlight:say
that both precisely beyond either were--
so in darkness ourselves go,mind in mind

which is the thrilling least of all(for love's
secret supremely clothes herself with day)

i mean,should any curious dawn discuss
our mingling spirits,you would disappear
unreally;as this planet(understand)

forgets the entire and perpetual sea

--but if yourself consider wonderful
that your(how luminous)life toward twilight will
dissolve reintegrate beckon through me,
i think it is less wonderful than this

only by you my heart always moves

-E. E. Cummings, from ViVa (1931)

and,
The Quiet World
-Jeffrey McDaniel

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it
to my ear without saying hello.
In the restaurant I point
at chicken noodle soup. I am
adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long-
distance lover and proudly say:
I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond, I know
she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

2007-04-16T19:43:00.000+08:00

http://noonebelongsheremorethanyou.com/
heehee click the link above for a superduper cute book website :D now i want to get her book (i am SUCH a sucker for advertisements)

anyway i came online with the lofty and admirable goals of 1. researching on minimum wage (but i found WIKIPEDIA! which is a veritable FOUNT of information, especially on obscure things like econz &MATH THINGS) 2. emailing scary pw teacher with idea for PI (which makes it a preliminary preliminary idea??) 3. doing PI and getting it over with /researching more for PI
however i am a loser who is so not on task it's laughable, but okay nvm, i will MAKE myself do it by 10pm tonight :D and i am here to gush embarrassingly enthusiastically (haaa, say that five times fast) about HAPPY THINGS (so skip this whole part because it contains many bolded names you may not know)

1. my grandfather will be a millionaire by 2009, therefore i feel exceedingly proud of him even though he scorns the vw beetle i hope to own.

2. I PWN NAPFA
this is when STRENGTH OF THE LORD and POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT is revealed in its FULL IPULL GLORY :D :D anyway i think i am a hidden frog /rubberband because today my inner athleticsm shone through and i happily bought a mocha iceblended with whipped cream from coffeebean right after p.e. and sunk back into my usual couch potato state, which was such a relief. it is UNNATURAL for me to be so athletic.

3. VOCAL EXPLOITS XVII: BORN TO SING
here is where i truly gush in my regular loser self: i love raffles chorale.
honestly it's like this huge wave of LOVE for everybody swamped me and i feel so empty and life felt so meaningless after concert hahaha

PUNCH <3
our fifteen minutes on stage, really made all the late nights, all the hard work, the mad rush to open the door, it just made everything worth it and i love love love love love everyone in punch for for making me love chorale so much. sunday just felt really weird without rushing off for punch and today after school i kind of slouched around in confusion because eh got no punch.

J1s! suet joelle bennett joseph: i'm so glad we got to work with each other so closely and for our peace offerings and laughing at bennett :D, etc i love you all and can't wait for next year's punch haha
J2s! nikki weisong sandra yikai chenyun: thankyou all for being such lovely lovely seniors and putting up with our madness and lack of attention span, for all the love and guidance and EVERYTHING yay i love you all too :D

ALTOS!
hahaha clar jingzhong huilin, thankyou x375628 for laughing with us and making sectionals so fun, you guys are wonderful SLs and you have made our section into the most improved section, yay! (even if improvement is relative hahaha)
and to the J1s jac val cat suet clara lois YAY hahaha i srsly love you all to little bits because you guys really make me look forward to working hard &yay for our productive sectionals heehee
and to the J2s nikki jina audrey tiff marie debbie hahaha thankyou for your patience with us <3
i hope i haven't missed anyone out >< but yay, i love the altogether altos :D :D

4. seeing everybody on saturday night!
thankyou for all your flowers and hugs and everything <3
chingxz cherie lix mongxz mich, i really really love you guys for being the bestest choir click ever and for the pretty strawberryshortcake balloon :D
nat val jiawei kelvin, hahaaa yay (some) club people!
hannah, whom i love a lot a lot <3 <3
the A13A people who came, nat &joel, gina sarah vien sarahwan, MY FAVOURITE JUNIOR CINCH and jan and all the stnicks people! oh and also A13B for being a great class to spend 4hours with each week :D
all the names look so pretty bolded haha.

anyway i am astoundingly tired from typing so much emotion and bolding so many things, so i shall stop blogging and start DOING ACTUAL WORK, especially since so many things are due this friday, and there's a dreadful math test next week.

haa but before i finish i just have to say I BOUGHT THE CUTEST CAREBEAR STAMP at popular. it is pink and glittery and SO PRETTY and you know i love carebears (it's those printed tummies <3) and even though brandishing it around may make me seem like three years old, it makes me happy :D
also because i got my devotional, finally! and yesterday was such a productive shopping day :D okay yay!

2007-04-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

i am having the most fitful sleep ever, i have totally become a bimbo nerd cross. i wake up. in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, and hyperventilate over math and ki and econz (er. basically every other subject besides lit. lit <3 to think i used to scoff at four subjects in jc. wth i'm like drowning in differentiation. also i miss singing the stupid song ):)

and i think i will really, really miss practising for our item after concert ):
and for the first time, i will be performing in a halfway pretty choir uniform! and i'm not standing with my section! and there are guys! and i'm not in the last row, at the corner! and michelle is not down the row. and chingxz and mongxz are not in front of me. and no cherie telling the choir that we can do it. and no lix to laugh at (haha)
and no last minute hugs and no cclgmm to share the performance with.
suddenly i really miss performing with the grey badges. and st nicks.
and like, no ms lim in front with all her SMILE and stuff.

sigh. but at least i'll get to see everyone tmrw YAY i love you cclgmm +q :D!
i'm excited. really, really super excited.

and, challenges will ALWAYS be cropping up.
like tmrw will be sway and punch in general, and keeping in tune for birdland. and next week will be napfa. and the week after that will be math test!
so must keep believing that whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

haaa, spoken like a true masochist.

anyway i love arthur yap's poetry. kel smsed me sth of his some time ago and last week i went to the library and borrowed the space of city trees. it is beautiful, i'm srsly considering buying it (um adding that title to the 6328261979 other books i intend to get in this lifetime)
absolute is a beautiful poem

"morning is already late
in rounding the corner of the living"

i love that line.
on that happy note, i shall be off to bed in eager anticipation for tmrw! :D
&also, maybe i should start writing again. and we have very beautiful skies in the morning, approx 6.45 all purpley and stripey orange and pink and i feel such a HAPPINESS and LOVE when i wake up and look out my window haha.

2007-04-11T21:56:00.000+08:00

today's prep for the ki debate next week has left me with a renewed LOVE for ki especially since last night's three am madness &yes, i am glad i am taking ki, yay!

hello hello i have been sadly sick i am still sadly sick. awful sticky flu and horrid throat bug thing. stay away from me, i will infect your soul with sick sadness. kleenex will become your new best friend. you will become a sad little loser like me who cannot do inclined pull ups ):

ARIEL BIMBO IS MY ALTER EGO.
i shall describe ariel bimbo.
she flips her hair a lot and talks really fast in an affected accent. her hands move at a constant pace and she generally has a spasmic, i have no brain expression on her face. she sashays around everyone and likes to buff her nails.
from now til saturday,
AIREL BIMBO = GEN

i will totally change my name to ariel.

am highly excited about chorale concert, but my voice is shot to pieces and i yell too much. (in defence, i am naturally a hyperactive, talk at the speed of a japanese bullet train sort of person. therefore not screaming /jumping up and down /squealing at any small thing is like not breathing. so need to stock up on honey.)
yes but not going for one chorale pract made me feel like i was an alien for this chorale pract. ew. okay will look through scores for billionth time and FORCIBLY IMPRINT EVERY NOTE AND DYNAMIC AND RANDOMLY SCRIBBED ANNOTATION ONTO MY HORRIBLY BELEAGUERED BRAIN.
wait. writing down Wise Words Of T. isn't really annotating right hahaha. lit, oh lit.

must stop quoting p &p in the canteen. or acting out random lines from yeats.
I WILL ARISE AND GO NOW heeheee kthnxbye
SLEEP I LOVE YOU.

2007-04-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

hello i was v v v v v happy after chorale today even i sang sway like crap and i was too tired to be bimbotic. BUT YES I WILL PERSEVERE AND TALK LIKE TOTALLY BECAUSE PINK LIKE TOTALLY PWNZ.
um okay Bimbo Who Plays Dota.

i flipped the economist open today (that sounds really intellectual) and the first thing i saw was "too much hygiene may be bad for mental health". okay cool then thanks class adventure camp for lifting me out of perpetual sadness.
but anyway chorale today left me feeling super happy and YAY YAY YAY even though i am 1/3 of the altos stuck with the sops and am always contorting face in attempt to dig for pitch through the chord.
that sounded damn disgusting, sorry.

NESCAFE > ALL
i can live on coffee &chocolate.
srsly, not kidding. i feel like throwing up and all i ate today was um. bread for breakfast, porridge and four spoonfuls of chicken rice. my food intake is getting alarming.

i don't know why i bother blogging anymore.
ARGH SOMETIMES I AM SO BIPOLAR I SCARE MYSELF.
because i was sitting here all happy after chorale then suddenly i got really emo and sad and i am now singing duerme in my head. and i really, really miss cclgmm ): singing down the bus stop. people in arhjay do not watch movies like nemo and mean girls ): ): ):
and i just miss breaking out into song (eg, ave verum) and everyone just joining in. um, musical impossibility as only i knw the score here haha.
MICH YOU ARE (really, x4827493bil) ER BUT I MISS YOU IN CHOIR ):

tmrw is good friday though. which is yay.
i believe god has good stuff planned for me (:
FAITH IS THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT SEEN
hahah and the punch nonpract :D

heehee, flips hair.
goodnight i shall now watch mean bring it on to feel truly bimbotic :D

2007-04-04T22:54:00.000+08:00

HELLO I AM BACK FROM UNCIVILISATION (er i mean class adventure camp)

in this world you will have many troubles.
but take heart! i have overcome the world
<3

yep i believe that god has a greater plan for me.
when the stars refuse to shine and time is no more, He'll still be faithful (: even though i'm insanely scared and obsessively disappointed, but i believe and i know that god has better things for me. so, yay!

i conquered the totem pole of death.
i pwnz :D :D :D
also, i have discovered a newfound (or not so new) love for mattresses, pillows, and beds in general.

2007-03-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

i must stop blogging. the amount i post each day is ridiculously narcissistic.
anyway, i just wanted to say:

1. ST NICKS CHOIR
don't be so complacent okay...i know we are very good at being complacent, but sounding good is even better!!!!!! we have that wonderful stnicksy sound and i know you guys can do it. but srsly, just giving up now or just assuming that you will always sound good onstage isn't the way to go. but i have faith in you guys (: so yeah i love all you wonderful people. 24apr jiayoujiayou!

2. syf audits tmrw
am petrified.

3. today i ran four km. i pwnz.
actually, pe teachers pwn. asdfghjkl cough hellish minions to exercise cough

4. YAY I LOVE PUNCH
even if the seventh floor is super scary at night.
and i keep saying secondTH

5. ORANGE BOWL > RJ CANTEEN FOOD

6. ICED TEA > NESCAFE ORIGINAL /WATERMELON JUICE

7. HAHAAAAA HI I LIKE TYPING IN CAPS

8. BYE I'M GOING TO IMPRINT SCORES INTO BRAIN WHICH HAS SHRUNKEN MUCHLY AFTER PUNCH

2007-03-28T22:25:00.000+08:00

hello i want to die.
and /or drop out of school.

now i will say obscure chorale things like i worry about my tone for the low range and i worry about my pitching problems and my sometimes -deafness about the pitch i'm singing in. i worry that we will suck onstage i worry that my face will spasm onstage i worry that i contort my body in weird positions when i sing and my mouth shape is all wrong and i can't energise the last note or cut off with breath and that he will hate me forever GEN YOU WORRY TOO MUCH

OKAY. THIS IS ONLY BECAUSE I'M REALLY REALLY TIRED
and also v cranky and horribly self-absorbed. like zomg there are little kids who just got released from hostage in the phillipines and ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT NOW IS MY FRUSTRATION &CHILDISH PETTY CONCERNS?
omg gen you apathetic loser.

BUT! those who hope in the lord, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary (:
so yay. i need to get a proper devotional but now i think reading all the letters (also because letters are v important in p &p!!!!!!! hahaaaaa) in the new testament is a nice mix of encouragement and exhortation.

and i am going back to st nicks tmrw to extort money!
all this alliteration makes me happy :D haiyaar it'll be good i think to go back to the nice canteen and chopin and bach and albenz (rooms, heh) and yes i think it'll really be good to go back to home (:

haha i'm really childish in that i always need to be the center of attention. and also that i have an insane urge to buy down kino.
nvm gen, cheer up! ACCEPTANCE IS THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY!

))):
okay i shall go away and sleep before i cause any permanent damage to myself; i am EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE (haaaaaa, today i wrote tetrahedral structure in my ki notes to describe coherentism, and felt very proud of self for remembering, also congratulated self on not having to write such ridiculously convoluted scientific words anymore!! good job gen)

FOLLOW ME LIKE FOOLISH FLOWERS

2007-03-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

The Last Time
Marie Howe

The last time we had dinner together in a restaurant
with white tablecloths, he leaned forward

and took my two hands in his hands and said,
i'm going to die soon. i want you to know that.

and i said, i think i do know.
and he said, what surprises me is that you don't.

and i said, i do. and he said, what?
and i said, know that you're going to die.

and he said, no, i mean know that you are.

--
this was the poem that made me buy this book.
the other poem was For Three Days, but it's too long to type out. and honestly, that's the one i really, really, really related to the most. which is actually a bit embarrassing but, yeah.

does that poem not make your heart break into a gabillion pieces?

anyway i've had a srsly wonderful weekend :D
i didn't do any proper gen slacking (ie lie in bed to sing to self, read sputnik sweetheart again and again etc) but i had fun with um, old friends and new friends and everyone else in between. so it was good (:
saturday i stayed in school for 11 hours (asdfghjkl), which was fun, except that i had to go to church in school u and had almost everyone comment on the length of my skirt -.-
and then supper with kelvin &jiawei and then it started raining and we were like oh harhar die. then i made a new friend and then i got home and then i slept.
and since i like sleeping a lot, so that was really good.
and today was a good day too (:

so anyway hi god, i'm glad we're friends again. little cell was good, big cell was good and it just felt like everything will just fall into place because god is there and you know, yay. it's like church and everyone inside there, they help me focus back on the most important things in my life. haha i've known some people there for like, ever, eg. gina who was in my nursery class :D :D :D and yeah I LOVE YOU ALL &i'm glad we've been friends since we were small and short.

so i (wouldn't say look forward to) but await the new week with HAPPY ANTICIPATION that whatever god has planned for me will come to pass!
(:

that was so philosophical and haha, right, okay.
RAH RAH
okay i should go be clean now. and, i think i'll stop writing for a few days (weeks /months). as long as it takes. because, it seems now that i'm writing not for self-gratification but for people to say oh wow gen you're a poet and what kind of rubbish reason is that? and also, that the crap i've been churning out does not justify the amount of time i spend working on it. and honestly, math really, really needs my attention now.
so i'm just going to read good books, scrutinise good poetry, and listen (singalongto) good music and not write.

anyway, happy verse!

SO DO NOT FEAR, FOR I AM WITH YOU.
DO NOT BE DISMAYED, FOR I AM YOUR GOD.
I WILL STRENGTHEN YOU &HELP YOU.
I WILL UPHOLD YOU WITH MY RIGHTEOUS RIGHT HAND.
-isaiah 41:10 <3

2007-03-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

i wanted to start ranting here about the social retardedness of individuals, but have decided not to, because it is entirely too self-defeating &primary school -esque.
(note to self: get friends-locked lj)

OKAY HI today i stomped round school in a fit of emoxz. it was like a horribly large, black cloud was hovering above me and i couldn't breathe properly because i wanted to kill everyone and /or cry in someone's hug: moodswings, you are a bitch.
also, i missed being able to talk to everyone or some one about it, i just didn't have the energy to even text emo messages.

anyway during ki today we did fun stuff :D
like build structures full of innuendo, which was v. v. amusing. we built a birdcage! it was v. cool and pretty, but i suffered masking tape burn which is quite, hahahaaa.

and i went to kino and my love for that place stretches from one end to the world to the other, srsly :D :D :D
i agonised for ages at the poetry section deciding between the time traveller's wife and a couple of other anthologies, in the end i bought what the living do, by marie howe. she makes me cry, i love this book. maybe later i will type out one of her poems here. it's like she took them out of my heart and mind and expressed it succinctly on paper: i love her poetry

but just being in kino makes me happy (:

then i got stencils &gerald's present at art friend.
then i went home and fell asleep which is actually a good thing because now i feel much better and less mopey and stupid.
then i need to look through my scores because chorale tmrw, yay

i miss being with the truth people almost 24/7, and all the lovely lovely choir people, and sonia, and althea, and the recess clique. it's different now. it's so damn different now that everytime i think about it my throat seizes up. last year i didn't treasure us enough and now it's all gone ):
and i miss the club people, and swinging, and singing, and taking over the reading room.
there are a hundred thousand ways why last year was better,

but i will believe that this year will be a good year too (:
~~because i must believe that this year will be a good one too if not i can just kill myself right now~~

LIFE IS LONG, LAUGH.
i must stop taking myself so seriously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
over-inflated sense of importance + loser lack of perception = tsk.
being emo is too tiring and i'd much rather be happy (or bimbotic, either way's fine too)

p/s HAPPY BIRTHDAY QUAN!
I LOVE YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU WHINE NONSTOP :D

2007-03-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

this is so gorgeous i want to shrivel up and cringe at what i write;

Eros
Louise Gluck

I had drawn my chair to the hotel window, to watch the rain.

I was in a kind of dream, or trance --
in love, and yet
I wanted nothing.

It seemed unnecessary to touch you, to see you again.
I wanted only this:
the room, the hair, the sound of the rain falling,
hour after hour, in the warmth of the spring night.

I needed nothing more; I was utterly sated.
My heart had become very small; it took very little to fill it.
I watched the rain falling in heavy sheets over the darkened city --

You were not concerned. I did the things
one does in daylight, I acquitted myself,
but I moved like a sleepwalker.

It was enough and it no longer involved you.
A few days in a strange city.
A conversation, the touch of a hand.
And afterward, I took off my wedding ring.

That was what I wanted: to be naked.

2007-03-22T17:16:00.000+08:00

HELLO TOMORROW I AM GOING INTO KINO AND BUYING A HEARTBREAKING BOOK BECAUSE HEARTBREAKING BOOKS ARE THE BEST KIND THERE ARE (besides funny books. and um. yeah actually that sort of covers all the genres in one swoop oh good job summarising, gen.)

had dinner with sonia &althea on tuesday, it was excellent, as all our outings /dinners /etc are.
i want a cooler room. and a larger wardrobe (er + allowance!! hahahaaaa) also, my grammar is going down the drain asdfghjkl why.

IN THIS WORLD THERE'S REAL &MAKE BELIEVE,
THIS SEEMS REAL TO ME!

i like three doors down hahaha. i want books! and cds! and to watch plays and concerts and buy new clothes! and drink starbucks everyday!
i am like damn high and scaring everyone on msn with my enthusiasm for life and love and everything in between (i bet they crumbled some sort of high-inducing DRUG into my lunch)

and it's me and you and all of the people and i don't know why, i can't take my eyes off you.

OLD SCHOOL COOL
i didn't go back to st nicks today ): i must, because i miss the st nicks air and the teachers and uncle mobeen and blue bowl and auntie miaolang and the recess gang and orange bowl and rou yuan mian xian and EVERYONE HELLO EVERYONE I MISS YOU A LOT A LOT A LOT

haha i sound like i'm miserable and crying into my yongtaufoo everyday in rj, but i'm not. i love rj, and i love everyone in rj. but st nicks is like home &i miss being in a girls' school and not having to CENSOR EVERY STUPID THING I SAY. and i miss knowing half the school, and all the teachers, haha.

i like when the tears fall by tim hughes
i also like youtube heehee

okay yeah i need to work on my cap portfolio.
ie, throw everything out and plagarise from some other, better writer.

IT JUST RAINED. WE SHOULD GO SWING: KICK UP OUR HEELS AND RUN FOR COVER UNDER ELECTRIFYING TREES AND WE WILL SUPERNOVA, BECAUSE WE ARE STARS

2007-03-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

MUSIC WASHES AWAY FROM THE SOUL THE DUST OF EVERYDAY LIFE
-berthold auerbach

today i did nothing, had the most fun in chorale ever (even though we sounded like crap), fell asleep reading, woke up at 7.30am, did no homework whatsoever even though there is a long, uncompleted list of work awaiting me,
and watched rachael yamagata live with an excellent friend ie, sonia <3 <3 <3

:D SHE IS SO CUTE.
i will fangirl over her for the longest time because she is funny &she has a gorgeously rumpled, jazzy, easylistening sort of beautiful voice that INSPIRES POETRY &she is so adorable and she hides behind her bangs and she has pretty eyes!

omg it's like one am haha &i still haven't prepared for cell yet but omg i feel such LOVE for the whole world because i received a lovely, lovely email from kel who assured me that yes i can write, no i am not a complete loser who only "looked the part" (p&p, p&p damn haven't finished reading)
and i had a wonderful time talking to sonia about everything and nothing and lots of somethings. people like you keep me sane in a crazy world hahaaa

walking down thursday,
you are the stillness, the steady humming:
you have lovely wrists. they are fragile
and delicate, like a girl's.
i want you to love me again.

(today i found carol ann duffy's poetry in mph. it was such a pleasant surprise until i realised it was 27$. it was between food or poetry, i chose food. damn. shouldn't have. also, uk vogue is GROSSLY EXPENSIVE IN MPH. what a ripoff. kino i love you.)

2007-03-16T10:51:00.000+08:00

haha MY BLOG IS SO EMO.
eh i'm not like that normally okay! i am usually laughing a lot (mostly at myself)

anyway i just read no one writes to the colonel, by gabriel garcia marquez. it's a short story, and it is heartbreaking. kel, you must read it. i used to loathe gabriel garcia marquez, i read love in the time of cholera in sec two and nearly died of boredom because i was stupid and easily bored. but this story! omg it is so sad that after i read it i just sat back on my bed and Thought about poverty. and isn't the title already so sad! (omg i sound like i only have one word in my vocabulary and that is the word sad)

from the time traveller's wife:

"You still haven't proven you're real," Clare says.
"Neither have you."
"Do you ever wonder if I'm real?" she asks me, surprised.
"Maybe I'm dreaming you. Maybe you're dreaming me; maybe we exist in each other's dreams and every morning when we wake up we forget all about each other."

i totally must buy this book. i need to spend my money on clothes and books and poetry and cool cameras and not food. i spend way too much money on rubbish like food and chocolate. also, does this quote not totally remind you of KI? descartes &his dreaming argument haha. (note to self: read KI notes or risk drowning next term)
&wth i think i don't have enough units to qualify for a scholarship because i only have ten units now and i doubt rj will let me take H3 lit (damn.) so i will only have ten units, wth, wth.

okay i think i have time for one ep of grey's before going out to study (so last year haha) oh hurrah, hurrah suddenly i feel excited to pwn math.

2007-03-15T14:51:00.000+08:00

PLS IGNORE INCOHERENT &BABBLING, &EMO POST.

i spasm everytime i think about CAP.
i am not even kidding, it is that bad.

i gathered up courage and have just sieved through the rubbish bin that is My Documents &have come up with ten pieces for my portfolio and i've realised i almost always talk about three things 1. losing myself 2. family 3. love (or lack thereof)
damnit. i am a boring child.
and i don't know if i should put those ten in or not or what or OMG CRINGES AND DIES.
also, that i used to write halfway decent poetry, and now i cannot.
i feel like just printing every single poem i've ever written out and throwing them at the CAP judges and yelling at them "JUST READ THEM EVEN IF THEY'RE COMPLETE RUBBISH BECAUSE HERE IS MY HEART, IT IS NOT ON MY SLEEVE BUT IT'S ON THESE PIECES OF PAPER"
and if they throw it back at me and say, sadly, "i'm sorry but you cannot write poetry for nuts"
then. okay i don't know, my brain stops screamingly short of this scenario because it is scarily close to the truth.

omg someone has to come here and slap me,
then read through everything i've ever written and tell me what to put in and what to throw away.

i don't know what to write as footnotes.
omgomgomgomgomgomg why did i not spend the first three days of the holidays writing some decent poetry. am going through identity crisis here, why did i not take bio and chem and just settled for being a. doctor or something (hahaha, whatever)

anyway i should start on my econz essay &lit essay and do all the nonsense math i've been putting off.
econz makes me feel grown up and smart hahahaha, like reading the economist.

aiya i dno. sometimes i really want things to go back to the way they were before any of this happened, before jc, before exams, before econz essays.
i miss being stupid and laughing at my stupidity (eh wait, i do that all the time now) and singing without caring whether or not i was in tune. i miss knowing that god will catch me whenever i fall and not constantly doubting. i miss not having to always figure out what other people think and concentrate on thinking my own thundering thoughts (actually this just shows i am selfish). i miss hugs in the corridor and long talks with longtime friends and i see my friends growing up and changing and i'm changing and we're changing and it's like the enzyme lock and key thing, both side's been affected by heat and now we don't mesh anymore.
sometimes there are so many voices in my head i don't even know which is mine.

2007-03-12T21:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAAAAAAAAAAAT!

seventeen already you are Old &Wise

damn, i lurbxz you <3

anyway the past few days have been so awesome

(if you don't want to read an extensive account of my life for the past three days, pls skip this whole part)

friday
:NTU concert with chingxz, lix, mongxz, mich &quan!

> interjects scream of OMG ST NICKS PWNED EVERYONE, i'm really proud of all of you!!

also, it was good seeing everyone and laughing wildly like we always do. &seeing cinch and jan and ms lim and the ugly red uniform and haiya i just miss everything about st nicks and concerts and stuff.

saturday

:chorale! (this wasn't so good, my voice was wonky and sinus was irritating &it was just a bad voice day), then RJ band concert with val, cherie, chingxz, jiawei, kelvin &it felt SO good to sing down the slope (even though it was a different slope) and talk choir stuff and bore all the band people with our incessant choral singing and all the band people talk their band stuff and i dno like old club times + cherie and chingxz

sunday

:cell, cell, pamugun recording, nat's birthday celebration!

that was awesome, we spent like ages at thomson plaza doing scrapbook-like things to some of the 294728479274 pictures that we've taken over two+ years.

anyway i realised that i saw chingxz like three days in a row which is short of a mini miracle because this whole year i've only seen her like less than 10 times as opposed to last year where i saw her er. six days out of seven. hmm.

and cherie two days in a row and I REALLY MISS YOU PEOPLE BTW.

today

:chorale! and it was at LT6 hahaha and then we all almost died of hunger and then trooped off to chris' ginormous house at ulu bukit timah and played mahjong (i really missed taking pictures of my hu-ed tiles) and had girly talk with our legs in his pool haha &then island creamery with suet and it was all fun and good and hurrah.

yeah okay i'm sorry for being boring i just felt like sharing my joy and laughter with everyone because i just feel overwhelmingly happy today, i dno i just love everybody and rachael yamagata on saturday with sonia YAY everything seems so bright and cheery because it is THE HOLIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS! which is a sacred slacking time, i shudder to think of CTs RIGHT after june hols.

OMG CAP PORTFOLIO DUE AFTER MARCH HOLS.

asdfghjkl i heard rj's only sending two people. if i am not one of those two i will cry my eyes out and live like a hermit in my own head (eh wait i already do)

okay i shall write a happy poem begging them to let me in.

tmrw i can wake up at 3pm if i so desire.

i can just die of happiness now, srsly.

2007-03-08T21:20:00.000+08:00

CAN A POEM BE A LIST-

here is a list of your deficiencies:
1. you never say you love me
2. you have never said you were proud of me
3. you make me feel worthless

this is why they matter:
1. i love you, a lot
2. i try hard not to disappoint you
3. are parents not supposed to be supportive

--
blogs are too public for private thoughts eg, people who don't know what they are talking about should just shut up and go away.
am very cranky now, therefore everything i say should be taken with large spoon of salt.
also need to read up more on gettier problem; must buy something to congratulate self on lasting one long term in school; must stop talking in lists &be less organised, i am not usually this anal.

the thought that my mother can take away my freedom to go out &see the friends who i haven't seen in 83649273917329 years is terrifying, irritating &unbearable.

~~sometimes i feel like such a failure, like i've let everyone down,~~
especially now: not good enough friend, daughter, granddaughter, student,
not good enough, not good enough. it haunts me.

so this is what it means to learn to praise god in spite of being disappointed.

i want to buy a holga (175$, oh to have $$$!!) or a polaroid camera. i like photographs, though i am not particularly good at taking them (people tend not to be centralised),
i want to capture a sunset forever and keep it in my heart.

i realise that little things make me happy.
like everyone back in rj, and flowers on the back of buses, and rainbows on floors, and smiles and hugs and friends, and nice songs.
must learn to keep all of that safe in this corner of my heart which can never be touched by unfortunate things so i can pull them out when needed and say yes i'm happy and not be lying.

pls excuse emo post.

2007-03-05T23:28:00.000+08:00

have emerged from mass of emails &rabid typing out of punch script to blog, hurrah!
went out with althea &sonia to watch paris je'taime, really quirky movie, also in french which is always a hot thing.

anyway today made me realise a lot of things including
1. i really miss althea and sonia and the convenience of hugging them everyday
2. trying on new dresses are always fun, especially with discerning friends!
3. i really miss talking to al and sonia
4. sometimes i am ashamed of being in my school, because sometimes i feel like by saying i am here, i am automatically an arrogant meanie with no consideration for others whatsoever
5. it is very pretty &fun &wonderful being in this happy green bubble, but sometimes we really take things for granted eg, good results at a's, good results in sports, etc, that sometimes we fail to be sensitive &assume that everyone is happy like us
6. also, i do love my school
7. AND MY CLASS
8. AND CHORALE
9. but must always remind self not to be the teeniest bit arrogant
10. also must remind self to be more responsible, less flighty, and less irritating.

excellent work done today.
okay great, on to putting contacts in &possibly writing emo poetry under the hollow moon AND WHO KNOWS, MAYBE EVEN SLEEP

p/s CHINGXZ THERE IS AN OC HANDPHONE GAME
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG will try to play it tmrw &get back to you re. funness (YOU GET TO CHOOSE CLOTHES FOR THEM!)
am v. excited.

pp/s life goes easy on me, most of the time.

2007-03-01T22:38:00.000+08:00

AND MAYBE, YOU'RE GNA BE THE ONE THAT SAVES ME

i am a hundred different feelings all at once like sad and happy and excited
because tmrw i'm going back to st nicks, there's chorale on saturday, algensonia outing on monday, theatre trip on next wednesday, ntu concert! friday and a lot of other spend money things!

i don't know how to prepare for my KI essay next friday, i feel quite stressed about it actually.

i wanted to write something poetic and lovely here, but i cannot think of anything to write, OMG KEL CAP ASDFGHJK
i want to read alice sebold's the lovely bones.
and reread the virgin suicides, jeffrey eugenides, for the 294729th time (i should just buy the book from the library).
i want to read kakfa on the shore.

it's been awfully cold lately, and there's this perma chill in the air, for once i get to wear my happy stripey sweater to school. i like this weather, except my books and hair keep getting wet.

i think the words poetic &lovely are very poetic and lovely.
you are a lovely girl.
you are a lovely mother.
you are a lovely friend.

ALTHEA IS A LOVELY FRIEND,
hello darling, happy seventeenth <3

the obituaries in the economist are very amusing.
live your life how you want your obituary to be written!
on that happily sad note, i just wanted to end off with:

i love 08A13A (:
&i feel super blessed to be in this class!

2007-02-23T23:11:00.000+08:00

We sat grown quiet at the name of love;
We saw the last embers of daylight die,
And in the trembling blue-green of the sky
A moon, worn as if it had been a shell
Washed by time's waters as they rose and fell
About the stars and broke in days and years.

I had a thought for no one's but your ears:
That you were beautiful, and that I strove
To love you in the old high way of love;
That it had all seemed happy, and yet we'd grown
As weary-hearted as that hollow moon.

(adam's curse, w. b. yeats: incompl.)

p/s adam's curse is so beautiful, it makes me glad i'm studying yeats.
pp/s yeats essay due monday, &i cannot bear to look at my annotated copies i am going to die writing the essay.

chorale tmrw :D
suddenly i feel excited to "make beautiful music together" hahaha
(but also nervous.)

2007-02-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

CCLGMMHQ!

us after syf? before anderson concert? last year??? (can't rmbr.)

looking siandiaozx outside VCH after eating chicken rice and stealing chingxz's camera haha.

i miss the Red Uniform ):

9th March!

GO ST NICKS we'll yell VCH down for you hahaha.

and i can't wait! let's go out for supper okay! (except i have chorale at some ungodly hour the next day)

my grand sticker plan was totally shot down ):

and, today was monday ('s timetable) which sucked because the number of blocks without break is directly proportionate to the amount of sianness one feels at the end of the day. PLUS PE. LOATHES PE.

If I could open my arms,

And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,

I'd bring it to where you are,

Making a lake of the East River and Hudson.

And if I could open my mouth,

Wide enough for a marching band to march out,

They would make your name sing,

And bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.

CHINGXZ I MISS SINGING THIS SONG DOWN THE ROAD TO THE BUS STOP.

suddenly i feel a newfound surge of love for deathcab hahaha.

song association! singing soul meets body (sonia), i will follow you into the dark (chingxz) and rah rah stupid lix + chingxz make me all emo.

this is such a useless blog post.

but er okay

KEL: CAP APPLICATIONS ARE OPEN GO GET YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-19T18:37:00.000+08:00

hello! i have spent chinese new year slacking at home, rewatching oc season three (DO NOT CANCEL OC. WHY DID YOU KILL MARISSA.), wanting marissa's clothes and eating copious amounts of food.
also have been overly exposed to chinese pop, thanks to my cousins, because that seems to be the only sort of music they listen to.

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR PEOPLE!
take five was pretty fun, haha, i got (a bit) tanned and the bouncy castle was hilarious: our class is probably the only group who went in there (twice, no less) to jump about and shriek and fall about laughing at our (MY) lack of coordination. &being total failures at the throw ball into cup game hahaha.
and then totally trashing michelle's house and being terrified by her split personality dog.

but oh well, I Miss St. Nicks.
we didn't even sing A cny song (the horror) and no blessed oranges and no boring chinese mass ): oh colourful building with orange bowl!

CCLGMM WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR PARTY, ARE WE GOING FOR NTU CONCERT TOGETHER?
FOUR TRUTH ARE WE EVER GOING TO HAVE OUR MONTHLY ORANGE BOWL CLASS GATHERINGS?
ALTHEA &SONIA WHEN WILL TUESDAY OUTINGS RESUME?

questionable questions haha okay bye i have to go Entertain Relatives
p/s holiday tv sucks.

2007-02-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

high
lighthouse family

When you're close to tears remember
Someday it'll all be over
One day we're gonna get so high

Though it's darker than December
What's ahead is a different colour
One day we're gonna get so high

And at the end of the day remember the days
When we were close to the end
And wonder how we made it through the night
At the end of the day
Remember the way
We stayed so close to the end
We'll remember it was me and you

Cause we are gonna be
Forever, you and me
You will
Always keep me flying high in the sky
Of love

Don't you think it's time you started
Doing what we always wanted
One day we're gonna get so high

Cause even the impossible
Is easy when we got each other
One day we're gonna get so high

-
oh no this song makes me want to cry ):
everytime i hear this song i think of us at the back of the bus in czech (from prague to olomouc!) with yellow hills rolling past us &us obsessively singing out from various ipods to catch the lyrics. ohman.
was having chorale dinner today (chorale <3) and then suddenly felt so damn sad and started missing st nicks choir and ms lim like, a lot. oh no cclgmm )): and everyone like jan, eugenia, siewying, al, ashna, rahhhhh.
i honestly, srsly miss ms lim. her jokes and her anecdotes and how she never made me scared to talk to her or to sing in front of her. how nice she was even when she was so angry with choir, everything la. al &teh tarik. and how she would always smile and everything when i gave her the file, even when she wanted to strangle all of us for singing like crap. oh man )':

anyway, v'day today was surprising fun (:
felt so warm and mushy and everyth haha. A13A <3 <3 <3 honestly i thank god for such an awesome class because yeah. i really do love everyone in this class haha.

hello st nicks people!
i miss you guys a lot a lot.
(one should stop comparing and just appreciate things the way they are right now.)

omg i am totally #1 emokid :D
HAPPY V'DAY EVERYONE!

2007-02-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

no i am not dead, even though pe almost killed me.
no words can express my loathing for pe !!!!!!!!!

anyway yes i am fine.
thank you people my excellent lovely fantabulous friends for sticking by my whiny emo self and letting me talk nonstop to you &cry all over your poor bewildered selves (esp. cinch, <3)
you guys have been such wonderwalls and i really thank god for all of you.

remember that when god fails...
god never fails, so we have nothing to worry about, huh.
so i'm just leaving humanz into his hands knowing that he has a superduper great plan for me, yay! okay goodnight, my legs are going to give way, oh pe you devil spawn.

2007-02-05T19:17:00.000+08:00

this is like blog diahorrea but whatever.
oh on tv now there's this emo scene of a guy scratching another guy's car with a key. i honestly feel like doing that now, results out friday.
here is time to get over that nasty piece of news:

anyway yeah. may orange bowl comfort me like getting back excellent (&knowing my fluctuating standards of excellence) results will.

things of note
1. chorale makes me happy <3
2. A13A makes me happy (:
3. playing captain's ball with A13A during break (WHO knew we were that athletic?!) is hilarious
4. yelling out the bimbo cheer in echoey LT-wells is probably the best way to cement your rep as an airhead bimbo
5. i have just had four pieces of homework AND a math test sicced on me (due monday), i am in great trauma.
6. kohsy irritates the hell out of me, she deserves a slow painful death watching all of us massacre log, surds and graphs.
7. i want to know how spring is like on jupiter and mars
8. i love michael a lot a lot, i take better care of michael than my handphone, srsly.

okay bye people i'll totally angst in school tmrw &whine bucketloads:
FOREWARNED IS FOREARMED!

2007-02-04T22:26:00.000+08:00

omg A13A is full of alcoholics i am alarmed :D

haha, chorale camp was awesome and fun and yay for raffles chorale!
now i really feel blessed and happy because chorale really makes me happy nowadays and even practice on saturday was okay because i dno we sang nice songs like the pong one and pamugun
this is not a cheer!
group four pwns :D yay us

anyw i slunk into cell today &what rachel said really struck me.
being afraid to fail is not being afraid of the consequences of failure, but being afraid that our god will fail us.
and, that's true la. and, i've been so strung out these few days, my heart seizes up everytime i think about getting back results, and WHY! if i say there's a god who catches me when i fall...then why don't i believe that there's a god who will catch me if i don't get six points &get into humanz?
and this year, time after time i lose faith and "test god" and so far he hasn't failed and life hasn't ended, etc, so. yeah. having faith like a sine curve is horrid.
somehow i haven't really understood what it means to completely have faith that god's plans will come to pass. faith, like math, is abstract. however faith, unlike math, is satisfying.

anyway having such an awesome A13A class with imbeciles and fights over royalty definitely makes school a lot more fun to go to, especially since the whole waking at ungodly hours thing is killing my coherence.
and cat suet val jac you guys make sectionals so much more fun <3 <3

GREEN HOUSE #1 HOUSE MEETING ON TUESDAY CHINGXZ NAT ETC!
WHEEEEEEEEEE!
LET'S MEET UP FOR AWESOME ORANGE BOWL damn i'm excited :D

hahahahaha what the, moe employs sphinxes to keep aspiring humanz scholars out! i am amused and sleepy, goodnight

2007-01-30T23:12:00.000+08:00

hello blogblogblog, joel died on me so i'm here to talk (/whine).
yep so there was school today, there will be school tomorrow, and there will be school for another five more weeks.
oh boy oh boy i hope we start differentiation soon :D calculus is the only part of math i actually fully understand and enjoy, do i sound like a geeknerd now? because i'm not, i don't qualify (not smart enough)

i went shopping today :D
yay. and shopping with my mum probably on thursday too oh what fun! shopping makes me real happy.

into your hands, i commit again,
with all i am, for you, lord
you hold my world, in the palm of your hands,
and i am yours, forever.

going home on 410 which takes me like 10 minutes makes me feel like i'm playing school. you knw like SLC like tht come to school have fun don't really think, make friends smile a lot.
hmm i don't feel 17. & i'll be 18 next year !!!!!! i'll be able to drive drink club legally !!!!! omg i'm so overwhelmed now haha.
&last time i'd always have chingxz to talk to and sing songs to and bitch with but now i just have edith and god and me and like, the birds in the trees. but okay la more time to think and reflect.

it's 11.20 now. sitting out here with james and the sound of the fishtank and the buses downstairs is quite cool la. if i move james back into my room i'll probably get distracted all the time ¬ study at all, hur.

okay goodnight eat something yum for breakfast tmrw :D

2007-01-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

i see my classmates spamming my tagboard:
hi joel, hi pangern.

a thousand times i've failed,
still your mercy remains,
should i stumble again,
i'm caught in your grace.

yep it's good to have god in your court, it's good to have god fullstop. &i'm glad i went to church to blow my nose instead of staying at home last night haha, because suddenly now i feel that results don't really matter.
god already has a plan for me! &even if i don't make it back into humanz, or i don't get the scholarship(s), or whatever that happens, i knw it's part of god's plan. i mean, i trusted god through the o's, i trusted that god had a place for me in rj, and yeah!
even the birds keep alive and have food to eat etc so i'm worth more than sparrows huh :D &so is everyone la haha.

okay that's enough theologising
MEET MY FAVOURITE PEOPLE!

haha i realise we look quite unglam in all those pictures &i look weird with short hair now!
oh &cclgmmhq but i can't be bothered to hunt up a picture of us, heehee.

hey cclgmmhq (minus m, h, q)
thursday's dinner was real good, &haha we represent three choirs!
yay.

2007-01-22T18:23:00.000+08:00

hello i haven't blogged in ages &ages &ages.
i'm here to say, i'm still alive, buying new p.e. shirts and feeling disloyal whn i wear them for p.e., buying the st nicks school diary and using it!, making new friends and missing the old ones like crazy, missing orange bowl &mrs seahisms &wangjian's grunts &camwhoring &quoting from movies obsessively, wanting to go back to the way things were yet happy at the way things are now.

recess gang meeting on saturday was such a blast from the past hahaha, chinese remedial remedies, get your copy today! (rachel &xiangli, i get comission from promoting okay? :D)
join the Friends Club (haha) it was really great seeing all of you again, like recess without the 45minutes restriction.

school is cool, don't mess it up okay.
aiya i knw i whine a lot a lot but THANKYOU HAPPY FRIENDS for putting up with all my crap &making me feel happy everytime i talk to you and not telling me to shut up or go swing until my eyes pop out or whtv hahaha
(p/s val i miss singing /YELLING disney songs while swinging in pinafores)

al &sonia: tuesday outings MUST RESUME ASAP, bukit timah and tampines and bishan very far apart but still can right i miss you guys ):

i'm real glad to be in 08A13A (:
(even though block j no lift and the toilets are two floors down.)

2007-01-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

hello my og is super happening (and not in the er way) and cool and everything!
we're not solid we're not gas, we are l'ikwid and we're the best!
:D
and arhjay is super fun and green and the people are smiley and nice.

i realise i really type a lot of ands.

also, i miss st nicks so freaking much. even though it's still so colourful and teenybopper but ):
and zomg orange bowl wasn't open ))):
but i had iced tea so yay.
even though orientation is really fun and the people in rj really rock (hahaha alliteration!) but, nothing beats orange bowl and st nicks and the really dumb and funny and wholly loveable people in st nicks.
): oh man, i can't make it for the recess people meet up at suntec to do the vj mass dance around fountain of wealth tmrw!!! (don't ask.) omg thn where /whn will i get my bsb kicks!

even though chingxz is so er but i miss you la seat partner i really miss saying see you tmrw to you and cherie and sonia and al and all the 59376583 people who i WON'T see tmrw because they are in far off places (eg, bukit timah, east coast, dover, tampines)
and have i mentioned i just really miss four truth and the grey badges and everything about familiar and friendly and safe and boy-less st nicks fullstop.

but i feel really blessed and happy that my og is so fun and kewl &my class doesn't seem that weird haha (yet)

crap happens like being sunburnt &missing out on og outings but it's time to get less selfish gen, &p/s stop being a bitch.

2007-01-02T00:33:00.000+08:00

I REALLY WANT TO EAT ORANGE BOWL NOW.

that could be taken literally or metaphorically, ie, i really want to stay in st nicks.
to whoever said the only thing constant is change, srsly, believe me when i tell you to eat some b &j's cookie dough and go away i hate you and your pseudo philosophy, etc, etc.

school in one day (wsbdudhs -what the.)
it seems like the o's ended YESTERDAY. hello, what happened to my gen holiday plans? which included shopping, shopping, sleeping until three, learning french, writing a whole bunch of stuff so application time for cap won't result in panicked mass, etc?

1. i really don't want to go to school on wednesday.

that's about it really.
also, i'm kind of scared about choir because my throat's been blown to pieces and so has my voice, i so do not live up to the dsa tag. also i am a very boring child. also i'm really glad i spent new year's at home.

HI TWENTY OH SEVEN.
my name is gen and please be my friend, okay.
k thanks.

2006-12-28T01:59:00.000+08:00

hello i am home from the land of the long white cloud and the many sheep.
new zealand is pretty cool (i mean that literally as well)
i like whales and dolphins and the albatross.
and the random waterfalls.
but it's really good to be home and talking to friends and sleeping in my own bed.
and having alonetime it's like overseas you feel like you have no friends and you feel so drifty and so no purpose, like that la. at home i feel so much more grounded and ready to do work.
and also because christmas wasn't very good this year, but really, i am SO THRILLED about something that happened on christmas in singapore and yeah :D
yay. i'm really happy about that.

school starts in a week. and it's pretty scary.
but you know what? our god is a god who takes care of the big things and the small things and all the things in between. i know he has a plan for me and even though i am scared about the uncertainty of next year, i know that in my uncertainty i can be certain of god!
which doesnt really make sense hahaha.

oh well. GOODBYE LAND OF THE BLUE ): it's been a great ride.

2006-12-06T23:37:00.001+08:00

I HATE READING TRANSLATED THINGS.
like rilke and neruda and even murakami (did i spell tht right, i'm sorry japanese writers, i am apt to confuse every single one of you because i am dumb that way)

i've just read two different versions of a neruda poem &they are really different and one captures my heart and the other is, just, entirely unlyrical. please let me learn spanish, german and french in the next five minutes thankyouverymuch. URGH anyway, i don't want anyone mutilating my poems by translating them into malay or something like that, the essence of it will be gone &even though i <3 rilke like krazy, it really annoys me that i'm reading a translation because what if he meant it differently huh huh huh.

really childish way of putting things, but YEAH.

a song of despair [partial, because the whole poem is too long]

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

another line i love:
What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

i'm sorry for dissecting the poem like that, full poem HERE
we watched moulin rouge twice in half that amount of days. come what may, i hope you don't mind &all you need is looooove, honey! nicole kidman is so pretty and her voice is nice, one day i'll fly away did you know that tb is spread through "aerosol droplets"?

anyway, the poetry of felix cheong is mine!
once i gather my 18$ to get broken by the rain. (details.)
oh today i finally cleared my room of its o'level hysteria.
!!!!

yep, incoherence seems to have taken over all vague sort of brain activity, i throw in the towel /wave the white flag goodnight starlight

2006-12-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

sheep go baaaaa
hello prom is over &december is here how did eleven whole months pass in the blink of an eyelash (excessive to inform me that eyelashes don't blink)

i like the word and
andandand
if i could i would throw my heart out, a fishing line coated with emoticons, i would be your sacrificial protection &protect you from your broken heart but all i can do is stand by and watch you freefall and i'm scared i'm scared that my heart is still lodged firmly here, in my throat, and not tied up for you.
(sometimes i think i'm preposterous to even think that you want it.)

EXCUSE RANDOM POETIC MOMENT hahaha it sucks, i havent written a decent poem since er, prelims. chem &math are ruthlessly effective artyfartyness-displacers.

hahaha one pikture from prom hello wonderful recess people! taking a picture (or two) with you people is like trying to catch a slippery egg, people keep running off and getting distracted &yes i will miss you people so very much, my food will no longer be eaten to the jukebox stuck on the 90s next year!

one picture only because lazy me has not uploaded, &i only have this one because jenyun the wunnerful sent it to me! so all other pictures have to wait for a teensy while longer.

KEL DARLING,
i will attempt to find a less visceral poem for my front page but in the meantime, close your eyes everytime you log onto my blog xoxoxo

NEW ZEALAND ON FRIDAY,
i'm starting to get excited about the plane ride and the take off, landing, airport(s), food, people, those dang sheep (NOT COW), anyw i have james and edith and msn the ever-friendly so it won't feel like new zealand is off the face of the earth (even though it like, virtually is)

the colour of your countries &the lights of your hdb blocks
why the sky so black face, stars are like eyes and tonight and every night it seems as though no one is looking at each other anymore.

i miss hugs in the corridor &montessori colours

2006-11-23T16:37:00.000+08:00

not studying is a lot better than studying.

and i love the oc more and more and more with every season, even with marissa gone.
and i need a job, because i am broke like a dripping faucet.
and it really feels weird not studying.

it's odd, knowing that next year instead of the irritating montessori colours (burgundy is just a cheem word for red lor) and blue and white uniforms, it'll be green and white and green and white.
hello sunshine i like sunny days and elmo and the oc and a sky so blue like cornflowers even though i've always felt that cornflowers sounded like they were yellow. you know, like corn. which i don't particularly like. this is such a useless post but anyway james is back in my room so yay and i really want to buy clothes. amongst other things, including neil gaiman's genius.

yup, the o's are over,
hurray!
having survived the o's feels weird. i keep feeling guilty when i'm rolling about my bed reading sue monk kidd's the mermaid chair, or whatever, or watching the oc, because that little voice in my head keeps screaming noooooooo gen you baaaaaad girl you must staaaaaaaaaaardy!
when, you know, i don't.
ha.
and yesterday, i wanted to read my bio textbook.
i don't know why. anyway i already gave my tattered (and loved, and du shu po wan juan and all that) bio textbook to nat's cousin so whatever.
and, i think it'll be quite interesting to reread henry and joy luck like, two years from now and okay it just feels really, really good not being forced to read them or feeling as though you have to read them, but reading them because you want to.
not that i have. and as much as it pains me to admit this, chem and math are quite fun la.
even more irritating than commercials during a tv movie, but fun nonetheless.

okay this has been a very long post.
and i am still waiting (very very very patiently) for my uk vogue hurry up come please

make love, not war!

2006-11-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

starlight, star bright,
first star i see tonight.

survived the first week of icky o's oohlala
may we all trample through the rest of the papers with the finnesse of over-enthusiastic young rampaging elephants and emerge clutching our A1s triumphantly.

god is bigger than the air i breathe (:
see you on the 17th, breathless and happy and delirious to finally stop mugging like the Nerd(zx) we are!

2006-10-25T22:21:00.000+08:00

RANDOM ANGST

i have a scathing disregard for all things related to math and integration and relative velocity and chemistry practical and the smart aleck (that being a euphemism for a much more colourful word) who came up with the o'levels: thank you for making hoardes of sixteen year olds waste their entire sixteenth year.
when they could be like, shopping, or something.

i'm terrified
i've been reading henry like a good girl and
"this is no world to play with mammets and to tilt with lips. we must have bloodied noses, and cracked crowns"
the land is burning y0!
actually, indonesia is burning and my nose is suffering the aftereffects.

last week was productive. this week is not.
tomorrow i will be a brave soul and venture into the perilous land of Integration and other math-related rubbish.

and holler in his ear mortimer!

2006-10-20T21:51:00.000+08:00

i love love love love love airplanes and airports
it's a better obsession than shopping right! because now flights are as low as 88c &mrt fare to the airport like, 45c.

today was the last day of school
(from this line, you can probably tell that this is now going to be v emo)

it's really unreal that four years have gone by like that. four years of riding in the car coming to school, three years of going through the obscure carpark gate and passing the container classroom, four years of hibye friends and orange bowl and morning asembly on the track and morning prayer, four years of wearing the convent uniform,
two years of being in this insane class and yelling at everyone to hand up english homework nownownow, wearing the tie and doing duty and investiture and cherieberie and valwal, two years of physics slacking and quoting mrs seah and joyluck, two years of mollyisms and screaming and laughing and cheering, two years of singalingalinging with the chingxz, cclgmm, natchingxzcherie,
a lifetime of memories and "long cherished wish", a lifetime of friendships.

yesterday the malay stall didn't sell nasi briyani and i was so upset!
and today ORANGE BOWL WASN'T OPEN, omg i was devastated, hahaha.
that is such a singaporean thing, srsly, attaching such emotion to food.

st nicks is effervescently beautiful.
four truth pwns everyone la :D i think it says something when you resort to using canned dota-inspired expressions for description, haha.

hee and actually i was v sad to leave st nicks and leave all the love and happy people here and knowing that st nicks will never be the same because got no four truth and no wangjian to grunt andwe'll all be in different jcs and this time here it will never be the same again, we will all be different and changed and maybe not become friends anymore and cannot sing down the slope to the bus stop anymore or read under the table during sethtan's lesson anymore or run to sonia for a hug when i see her on the corridor anymore or go to the library for lit and english and slacking off during physics and fighting over seventeen with tracie/ stacie/ macie anymore but
these are all memories that are locked in my heart (wah, so emo) and the thing about memories is that they may fade over time but friendships don't and memories don't either and that's why leaving st nicks now is okay and i don't have to cry forever just because we're graduating.

ah, i hope in jc i won't become annoying and arrogant and if i ever say "you are not a genius like me" in that snotty waverly way you must come and slap me and not let me eat orange bowl for three months as punishment okay, i'm really very scared i will become er.

oh i heard snow patrol and panic! on the radio while singing in the car from the airport and even though it irks me that power98 is making these songs so commercialised but haiya i still like and too bad the hear a good song on the radio and it will be a good day theory only applies for songs heard in the morning because even if you hear a good song at night who cares the day's ending already.

oh it's midnight and today it rained so though it was the last day of secondary school i'm still happy because god is good all the time yay god, yay chocolate and yay vitagen.
pictures after my mum comes home from shanghai because she grabbed the camera and ran :D

let's waste time chasing cars

2006-10-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

i like the word asphalt and i want a grey bag.
i caved in and got a cbox because (a) haloscan is not my html-cheem friend (b) it got too irritating to go onto my blog because of the cpanel thing.
i just finished reading haruki murakami's norwegian wood. so now i'm thinking in very asian-inspired prose it's quite odd actually.

mhmm i don't know what to blog about.
the weather? yes the haze sucks. yes it feels as though i'm breathing in a thick soup of carbon particles everyday.
the impending o's? yes i dislike studying. yes i haven't started on chem yet, which means i am screwed. yes i should not expect great marks if effort is directly proportional to the square of my results (hahaha, mrs koh!)

mhmm i'm dying to read some other good books. but the library has been overthrown in favour of math and (soon!) chem. chem oh chem oh chem.

you cut me up, buttercup

2006-10-09T21:35:00.000+08:00

cherie's birthday was fun. happy birthday 'bob :D
go see cherie's blog for all the rubbish that we did :D :D :D no pictures until chingxz gets online. hee.

i need to STUDY i really really need to study oh gen you are a bad bad girl who does little integration and thus never hits the happy seventy five
i like calculators. emath paper one is really irritating because i always miss my calculator. and also because all my multiplication tables have been overturned and i add things up wrongly because my brain is not wired for math that way.

pe is so dumb but oh well i can touch the floor!
too much exposure to dictionary.com and joy luck kkkklub is bad for the health. radioactive la, like atomic bombs and north korean missiles. too bad i haven't had enough exposure to chem and math to say the same
wowee wowza today is monday!
i live for monday nights. i realise this makes me sound pathetic, but grey's grey's grey's!
also because grey is a nice colour, unless it's the colour of your uniform.

hello haze and bye bye sunshine no the fog ain't for you
and also gen you need to learn to be content with contentment because you are a whitewashed pap clone huh don't expect too much out of anything and disappointment will never kick down your door and make you pay for a new one! like lindo says, you have american circumstances and can run pellmell to the insurance company but hoho what happens if you're not insured?
too much emo poetry + primary school jumprope.
maybe next week for pe we should play hopscotch :D

i need to read some really good books. tmrw i will pop by (i love that phrase, pop by, it reminds me of paddle pop. or the lipstick lollipop thing) bishan library and drown my sorrows in um. i don't know. capote?
or maybe i should just do chem and become a soulless husk of scientific information.

um, no offence to scientific people. chem's actually quite cool.
DANG I WANT TO SWING!

2006-10-01T19:24:00.000+08:00

i've realised that sometimes disappointment isn't a slap in your face, or a sucker punch in the gut. it's just a very small, very dawning realisation that all your dreams and hopes and plans have shrivelled up in the waiting for letters which will never arrive, or from people you know will never be more than a passing acquaintance, when you thought you were more.

sorry i feel super emo now, but after sleeping the afternoon away (again) i still feel exhausted and cranky eeew. i don't like myself now.
also because i have not been studying which really irritates me because i thought i had more self-control than that!!!!!

tee-hee, itunes i love. &what comes after High School Musical OST? Hillsong! so it's like, double happiness (hahahaha i am cheenafied). i understand that equating high school musical with hillsong is like, placing meg cabot and her literary contribution to society alongside um, keats, but okay whatever. because after reading the review of how to be popular in life! today i want to read that grossly pink book too ;D

HAHA, i really feel a lot happier now, okay i'm going to read haruki murakami's dance dance dance, just because he's one of your favourite authors, kel, but this book really intrigues me, it reminds me vaguely of neil gaiman's neverwhere. since i love x39475 neverwhere, that's a compliment haha.
but it is too emo, srsly. also, it is pathetic the way my mood so easily fluctuates.
should i do math? or read rilke haha, okay, no contest. gen you loser.
this is why i will never do amath or emath with any degree of competency!!!!!!!!!!

you are way, the truth and the life
we live by faith and not by sight for you,
we're living all for you.

/edit
OMGOMGOMG books!
KEL omg i saw truman capote for 2$ and my heart literally stopped. then i saw rilke FOR FREE and i really couldn't breathe for a moment. but i think all the books worth picking up are about gone like rilke ): and hwee hwee tan, but, oh well just the thought of actually owning these books made me all giddy and happy.

2006-09-27T20:14:00.000+08:00

i think the monthly ritual of the ripping out of the uterine lining is neanderthal.
also grossly painful, ridiculously excessive and did i mention crippling and incapacitating.
panadol: you're the man! or er, woman. whatever.

prelims are over.
but it doesn't feel like it even begun.
so hahaha, i should really be gearing up for More Mugging but instead i wasted away today choking down pink panadols at appropriate junctures and whining to my fan, and watching oprah. apparently there is a school crisis in america, and it is because teachers have low expectations from their students.
that will never be a situation here, i am very sure of that.

john tucker must die!
:D :D :D
i think that i am a huge embarrassment in cinemas because of my obscene tendency to burst into hysterical, loud and uncontrollable laughter.
"this isn't a situation of u-g-l-y you ain't got no alibi"
"slut in truck!"
daaaaamn funny hahaha it turned my day into y=x^2! like cam whoring random graphs in the toilet, and singing in the toilet, and wandering around orchard road like lost sheep in search of elusive lesportsac for the oc bags.
er okay, maybe not that last bit.

poetry eludes me.
like a giraffe in the african wild bush, or something.
i don't know where that analogy/simile came from.

2006-09-22T22:47:00.000+08:00

I Watch the Stars Go Out
felix cheong

Perhaps love
is a view of stars
through the telescope of years
now aged,
no longer uncommitted
in chosen places,
nor fearful
of that strident moment
when light explodes
into a million shards of heart

-
simple but i like stars and i like hearts and i really, really like felix cheong so haha.
i am going to buy poetry on tuesday, i hope :D
hopefully will be able to get some rilke, broken by the rain (the '03 anthology by felix cheong) and cummings.

show us the money!
i need money to finance my exorbitant spending on things such as starbucks.

2006-09-20T21:36:00.000+08:00

THE TIME TRAVELLER'S WIFE, by audrey niffenegger, is the first novel i've read for a long time which has reduced me to such ridiculous tears. henry quotes rilke! to clare! during a monumentous occassion! RILKE!

i adore rilke.
i want to learn german, to read rilke in his original text.

emath and ss and bio pract to go to go to hurry go and get lost, and if you've finished your prelims, don't talk to me, please, i would like to maintain dignity and poise (HAHA) and i'm not sure i'll be very successful if you provoke me so.
momentary lapse, i will return to the drudgery of pap-lovin'.
chem pract has been the most enjoyable exam so far (besides english), even though my nails are now stained brown (thank you potassium managnate VII) and i look like i dig in mud for a living.

yesterday's hougang mall adventures were :D
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONIAAAAAA!
i xoxoxoxoxoxoxo you to infinity.
yeah, i realised that doesn't make sense hahahaha but got sentiment la, okay!

had we but world enough, and time

2006-09-15T23:08:00.000+08:00

okay today goes down as one of the worst days ever.
no outlines needed, just a good book (the devil wears prada, chick lit will chase that gloom away!), good friends who endure your whining with panache &meiji chocolate and i'm all set to trudge through another harrowing week of mind-numbing, brain cell-depleting prelims.

ONE WEEK DOWN!!!!!!
three more subjects and two more practicals to go before i escape from this vicious mugging cycle of self-remorse, guilt and boredom.
amongst other things.

i am dream danglingly on the deepest crevice of dungeons and dragon who breathe out fire and scorch your eyebrows, so you have a perpetual look of surprise, as if you never expected such bad things to come your way, even though, in this world, you definitely should've.
oh i am too emo.

2006-09-14T19:53:00.000+08:00

hello, eutrophied blog.
POETRY IS BEAUTIFUL, therefore i am contributing to the beauty of the world:

(a) BY E. E. CUMMINGS

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

-
i am breathless at its beauty, rediscovered it while studying lit. i printed it out and filed it with my lit notes to remind myself that there is beauty too in jlc and henry.
is it not the most gorgeous poem you have ever read in your life?
i adore the fourth paragraph. xing zhui, the chinese word? i feel that when i read that paragraph.

and another one,
(b) BEACH BURIAL
BY KENNETH SLESSOR

Softly and humbly to the Gulf of Arabs
The convoys of dead soldiers come;
At night they sway and wander in the waters far under,
But morning rolls them into the foam.

Between the sob and clubbing of the gunfire
Someone, it seems, has time for this,
To pluck them from the shallows and bury them in
Burrows
And tread sand upon their nakedness.

And each cross, the driven stake of tide-wood,
bears the last signature of man,
written with such perplexity, with such bewildered
Pity,
The words choke as they begin.

"Unknown seamen"- the ghostly pencil
Wavers and fades, the purple drips,
The breath of the wet season has washed their
Inscription
As blue as drowned men's lips.

Dead seamen, gone in search of the same landfall,
Whether a senemies they fought,
Or fought with us, or neither; the sand joins them
Together,
Enlisted on the other front.

-
this was our unseen poem today &it made me so sad, i was utterly pathetic and almost teared while writing out my answer. it is going to be one of my favourite war poems because i can't stand the typical war poem, i am heartless and immune to people dying of gunwounds and great battles that way.
it is so sad yet beautiful and eloquent at the same time, really, i feel so terribly emotional today.

i bought teen vogue!
the september issue, even though it's 50c more expensive (hahahaha) than the october issue and the october issue has rachel bilson on the cover because there is mischa barton on the sept issue and its way thicker.
today we couldn't swing. studying gets me down down down but MEIJI STRAWBERRY CHOCOLATE MAKES THE WORLD GO ROUND!!

i want a balenciaga laria motorcycle bag, a mulberry baywater, yves saint laurent gauche muse and yes, if you would so kind as to drop roughly 8k into my bank account i will xoxoxo and love you forever and ever.
oh the preeeeeeelims are four days gone, only, roughly, 1.5 weeks to go.
joy.

2006-09-03T22:47:00.000+08:00

NOBODY'S ONLINE
so i have to rant to you, poor blog. i feel so restless and irritating.
like i want to poke something hahahaha oh no.

there's this huge mess on my table. and on my bed. and on the box behind my table. god; untidiness, clutter and general lack of any order has reached a new high. my father is threatening to Shovel Things Out with a Veritable -insert name of some construction site machine- i can't drag myself to pack all the bloody files and books and other books. and i can't find my sec 3 social studies textbook mhmm wowee.
grossly unprepared yet whenever i glance at all the work that should be done and is to be done i feel nauseous and slink out to the tv with its v. comforting glare &pretty people.

ohohohoh the devil wears prada is stellar
meryl streep cracks me up x309272 "get me the piece of paper i had in my hand yesterday", "that's all" and the CLOTHES are bloody amazing. omg the clothes are amazing.
&it was especially awesome with quek yinghui althea and kwek yiqing sonia with all the food, the drooling at topshop, the mugging at marina square :D
yay so the teachers' day holiday was a day well spent indeed.

unlike yesterday, when i spent the day in a state of nausea &with my chem textbook. that red book is my best friend, i swear. it shall be my little red book &i shall become communist, i shall start flailing it around and vowing to demolish the four olds: stupidity, cluelessness, failing chem and not knowing how to draw /name an ester.

oh i'm listening to deathcab now after the longest time of not wanting to listen to deathcab. aw, it's so comforting. like having a long conversation with a friend you haven't met for a long time. sweet and soothing and i dno haha LIKE RAIN I LIKE RAIN A LOT. &marching bands of manhattan i've forgotten how much i love this song :DD and soul meets body and i will follow you into the dark and oh. it's really like meeting old friends hahaha

chingxz gave me the pooh sticker yesterday! the one with the adorable worm thing! okay chingxz i'll friend you again :D
i miss school, a little.
but not enough to wake up at an ungodly hour and troop down to that montessori kindergarten of a school for prelims next week hahaha

i haven't blogged about english prelims right. i really enjoyed writing my essay and completely backmarking james lee's character hahahaha the comprehension was shit though, but you didn't want to read about that did you?

OKAY WHAT A LONG BLOG ENTRY IT'S 11.40 WHAT A NICE TIME TO START READING JAPAN GOODNIGHT JAMES HELLO PURPLEBLACK SKY STUDDED WITH LIKE, TWO STARS
you know i really like the night it's all quiet and pretty and it's a good time to love your little brother because he's sleeping and not stealing your meiji &all the hdb flats have this soft yellow glow and you can see all the lights of the apartments opposite yours and you feel a sort of kinship like heh, we're the only ones up. and then the roads are empty but still the street lights shine, like all the hdb corridors and it just reminded me of god, somehow.
like even though we may not know it because we're sleeping all the lights are still on and he /they are still looking out for you, like stars in the day.
&how cool is that!

2006-08-30T17:07:00.000+08:00

so today was a glorious day, we skipped out of bio mock happily enough after grappling with Finding Two Evidences of Irony &&i'm so glad to know that happy yj is knocking down my door as i speak but y'know, life is good.
rain rain i like rain hahahaha and i like the art room it makes me feel Creative (which is always good when writing a life-defining essay) i'd rather be snug as a bug and hug. like, my pillow.

i just burnt a tray of cookies. it wasn't even ten minutes in the oven. pfffft! so i may not have enough for my teachers so irritating i dont even have extra to eat ):
let's all do the hokeypokey and twirl ourselves around!
devil wears prada on friday er i mean ANDSTUDYING with the althea whodoesntneedtostudyanymore and the sonia the One Who Lives In A Different Building because the art room is v. far away from civilisation.

so anyway i'm all set TO STUDY MATH because i am Nerd Like That
tmrw i will treat myself. i don't really know how i'm going to do that because i HAVE NO MONEY i have no affinity whatsoever to budgeting etc i need to make money. i also don't know how to go about doing that. maybe i can sell betty crocker cookies hahahaha they are damn good okay.

one day i discovered, oh, what lovely bones you had
i would hold you in the graveyard darkness
dusky, sweet, the stars would shudder in their pale,
cold silence. above you, a tree flutters open:
leaves fall, like rice. you were beautiful in white.

how odd, i have begun writing interestingly. hahahahaha i have the funniest parents in the world.

2006-08-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

From the Inside Out
Hillsong

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

-
this song has sustained me this entire week, i guess. reminding me that even though last week may have sucked, next week's going to be much much happier (:
hopefully haha.
everyone sounds tired and cranky.
I'M tired and cranky.

&really i think this whole week i've been leaning too much on my own strength and thinking that practice paper everyday til 6 is okay and doesn't really affect me so i don't need to bother going to god but...i'm wrong. yeah and it's really good that this weekend put everything into much needed perspective.

it's okay. next week's the last week of school. then proper mugging like mad. then, then, pleling ah! my brother is talking in some stupid made-up language and it's really annoying. it's like he's trying to be french so he can hitch a ride with my grandpa next month when my grandpa goes to france. I want to go to france. damnit.

my parents just wasted 3000 bucks on a space-takingup white elephant.
so i'm not talking to them now so that they can see the folly of their ways and realise that they should have donated that 3k to the FEEDGEN('s obssession with shopping) fund.
hahahahaha, bull, i bet i'll be the first in that chair when it comes ;)

hahahaha joel &i are discussing our different ways of throwing tanthrums and being angry, it's quite amusing. OKAY BYE

2006-08-18T20:57:00.000+08:00

WILL WRITE FOR MONEY.
AM POOR, STARVING, WITH RIDICULOUS ADDICTION TO SHOPPING.

thanks babes. you guys keep me sane in this messed up world :D
xoxo ppg stickers hahahaha.
bubbles is cute &no more ~~stupid~~ prefect duty! thankyou x1billion, no more being uberbitch and yelling at people to button their collars /pull up their socks /where is your nametag /give me your safety pins /no black earsticks! /etc.
YAY

hokay tmrw i promise to study like a good girl.
gogengogengogen, i feel damn guilty for watching laguna beach all night instead of like, reading my bio textbook or something.

if anyone has got the laguna beach season three, or the hills, if you would be the nicest strawberry and help me burn it, i will love you to the ends of time and proclaim you berry cool (i got the sticker!) ahaha.

aloha lovers &long winding psychoanalysing talks at pizza hut <3

2006-08-15T20:10:00.000+08:00

me is uber mugger.
neanderthal history at its best, honestly. apparently the fissures in my cerebellum have expanded until they encompass Random History facts like, uh, five year plan 1953 hundred flower campaign 1956 great leap forward 1958 and have GONE INTO NEW HEIGHTS OF RETARDATION like regurgitating chapter 8.1 &8.2 in its entirety.

i am deeply alarmed.
this is not normal.

i think, quoting joyluckclub incessantly ("now you know my meaning!") in chinese accents is probably not a very sane thing to do also. we now talk like a mishmash of chem/ bio/ lit/ history textbooks, we are so going to ace the o's.

I KNOW MY PLAN WAS TO DO TUITION HOMEWORK TONIGHT.
but after doing 3.5 questions of amath and getting stuck at exponential equations mhmm, okay i have v. lousy willpower. &integration makes me nauseous.
chelsea lost )': they played outrageously badly too, they were like running around in the field in confused circles, panting after liverpool players. oh, michael ballack!
i am probably the most shallow football semi-fan ever because i only support teams with hot guys ;D

the waiting hums in the air like a thousand bees
they would embed their stings in your heart
but your heart is rock-firm, hard.
sometimes i'd like to stomp on it until it breaks apart
but i never do.

the library's gotten some real cool books.
damn. why only when i graduate the library finally becomes cool?!

2006-08-13T16:27:00.000+08:00

so.
Events have happened.

1. farewell, 110806
thank you choir for making our farewell so wonderful and nice and fun even though we were being bitches about certain things (sorry for that). GROUP C! I C YOU :D we are the most enthu group who are c-c-c-c-cool &run very fast. i promise to keep my polkadotted bikini with the greatest of care. everything was just really great, thanks guys. could tell you all put miles-high of effort into it, and we did tjak again!
our item, aw, i wanted to cry la. and the video, i did cry, because i'll really miss ms lim &how she has helped me grow so much as a chorister. will miss all her talk and how she makes choir go past so fast and fun, even when she is insulting the altos or putting on that ridiculously scary black face.
when you become a sec. four, at your farewell, you lug home 29462846 very heavy things in huge plastic bags. at your farewell also, you quarrel with your president over the naming of a fish (SHE IS DOROTHY, NOT MIMI. MIMI IS MY DUSTBIN). you hug people and you take photos and then you realise that you are actually leaving and no longer will you plan forum farewells for other badges.
so, that's it, i guess. four years of st nicks choristering comes to a close &next year it'll be tbs &white dress ahoy. somehow i don't think i'll miss my red uniform very much ;D

2. planetshakers, 120806
hahahaha now this is hilarious.
nat, toot and my various fiascos with the vending machines.
meeting people whom i not met for a long time (johnson, clement, etc) &embarrassing myself rather blithely in front of them (johnson) with our complete and utter foolishness with the vending machines. we are complete losers, i swear. we get hysterical over ten cents and dropped limeades. but god still loves us, so all's well, aha.

SO BEGINS THE MAD PLUNGE INTO THE PRE-PRELIMS HYSTERIA
wish me luck!

2006-08-09T21:27:00.000+08:00

WE ARE FORTYONE.
look out for the tricky mid-life crisis years!

even though i always say how much i loathe the perma-white/ -clean quality of singapore, it's days (&fireworks-filled nights) like these that i am really proud to say I'm Singaporean :)

let's go explore the underbelly of singapore society one day, sonia! okay. i don't really think arab street, chinatown and little india is really the "sleezy underbelly" that's given so much significance in american movies. but we'll just have to make do, okay.

friends and family by my side,
seeing me through, as i grow and learn

yesterday was helluva fun, snazzy singalongsong at the top of our voices and brandishing the singapore flag with rabid abandonment. in our gleefully red and whites, watching our parade and resident ballerina strut their stuff, Standing Up For Singapore,
the national day celebrations were Awesome.

not taking the physics test helped too, heh.

i am such a pathetic slacker.
but...anyone up for braving the crowds and claustrophobia over the weekend for Fireworks, Fun, &Fanatic Camera-Whoring? :D

2006-08-07T20:30:00.000+08:00

chocolate is the panacea to all of life's iffy problems.
lachrymose? down with the mean reds?
power packed with glucose and enough feel-good semi-guilty vibes to make you trigger happy!
it's like alcohol without the morning after.
IT'S OKAY GEN, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

kay i really, really like dissecting.
it was fun messing with the eyeball and brain.
but we couldn't find the pituitary gland which was sad.

): ): ): ): ):
MEAN REDS! i should try holly's way of going down to tiffany's. light blue and silver and sparkly warkly diamonds. &also i should actually consider buying the book instead of hogging the library's copy and borrowing and reborrowing.

I SHALL WATCH GREY'S ANATOMY 105 TO MAKE ME HAPPY.
cristina and burke are just so unbelieveably cute together :DD
i live vicariously through drama serials.

it feels so weird not to have a 9pm show to be crazy about ): hohum, hohum, i'll go read bio or start differentiating la, my rate of reaction's damn bad now because everytime i read rate of reacion i think: because there more particles possess Ea, the rate of collision increases and thus the rate of effective collision increases (that's for rise in temp.)
so, haha. chemmmmmistry. i don't want to know that i've failed, okay? i know i am an o'level noob and will fail v. badly already so you don't have to rub it in anymore.

i am M1 and you are M2 and together we are -1!

2006-08-04T22:17:00.000+08:00

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY CHINATOWN ADVENTURES.

background information
gen has not been to chinatown in approx. five years.

sequence of events
1. we take eons deciding whether or not to go to chinatown or ikea
"swedish meatballs!"
"pizza hut $5.95"
"but chinatown's huayu coooooool"
2. we reach chinatown, &promptly get lost in people's park COMPLEX.
this place is the most confusing thing ever. all the shopping centres are far east-esque, which means corridors that lead nowhere and random sprout of corridors somewhere. it also has massage parlours which look, um, somewhat dodgy.
after we have fingered their mahjong, peered down dimly-lit corridors and wandered around OVERSEAS EMPORIUM (best place ever ahahaha)
4. chingxz calls her mum
5. we realise it's in people's park CENTRE (which didn't really seem very centralised, if you ask me)
6. tourist-like pictures at some pagoda bridge thing! awesome, my hair's in my eyes and we're in our school uniform and people are staring at us because we okay I am wide-eyed in awe because i never knew places that that existed (because i'm a noob that way okay)
7. reach there &drift aimlessly around trying to find the GOLDEN DRAGON store.
8. frantic calls to lydia
"lydia howwwwww we're losttttttttttt"
9. lydia, the calm voice of reason: "it's uh, 02-15 i think"
10. troop off to 02-15 and realise it's a sports shop
11. golden dragon's actually at 02-51.

anyway, i bought all my stuff for farewell presents (!!), will prob. be hopping back there this weekend because i am Broke (4 Aug and i've already spent approx. 3/4 of my allowance, excellent budgeting there) so, haha Mothers and their Credit Cards!
oh, exciting things are happening!

THE NINE O'CLOCK SHOW HAS ENDED ):

i am in a state of despair. anyway yixin ends up with weixiang, yay! but now poor guobin has no one to love. i hate chingxz who says weixiang is ugly.
he's not! when he smiles he's so darn cute :D
i'm a drama series groupie, i shall end up like one of those rabid fans who stalk their idols and run after their vans/ cars/ etc.
anyway the scriptwriters suck. hello, recycling the whole i almost get killed and my love comes to save me thing? ew.

NATIONAL DAY NEXT WEEK!

so exciting. i like fireworks and stars and red and white and tattoos
plus, only two tests next week.
i know. i took a while to get over the shock too. it's like christmas coming early.
national day songs! singalong six pence and last time we can be such overly enthu losers and sing superduper loudly before we troop off to JC and have to act all casually indifferent and effortlessly cool because there are boys.
oh, sigh.

YAY GREY'S ANATOMY SEASON ONE DVDS

2006-08-02T21:37:00.000+08:00

sneezy nostrils (not to be confused with sleazy ones, hahaha, cherie!)
i want to permutate me a thousand times (1000!) &combine rilke and plath (rilkeplathCgen)

listen to emo songs about matrixes:
if A= {failing many subjects}
&B= {no motivation to study},
then A U B = Gen

nearby is the country called life.
you will know it by its seriousness.

2006-08-01T21:36:00.000+08:00

when i first read it i was pissed beyond words but after more thought and evaluation, the bugger's right. even though he was a total jerk about it. but i don't have to like him to improve. so that's okay.

HISTORY MAKES ME HAPPY.
okay no, that was total rubbish. am an awful person, slept the entire afternoon and spent the night waiting for nine o'clock.

it's okay. tell self that. there's always foyle next year too.

TOO EMO FOR OWN GOOD.
tomorrow i'll be sure to eat an apple.
'kay news.
the US makes me angry. see la, look down on asians some more. washington naval conference la! japan attack you. huhhhh.
that was politically insensitive but honestly, america, you can encourage a ceasefire any time and israel will totally follow. not saying should disregard the shi'ite-sunni thing but all the children! in that town (what, qana?) i know it happened like a few days ago(? haven't really been reading the papers), HONESTLY. stupid, stupid, unneccessary bloodshed and war.
you just killed potential scientists and presidents and poets.

OH YAY CADBURY.

my whole post is damn random today, but nevermind la kay.
it was actually just to rant a little about how i hate criticism and cannot accept it well. i think that's a major character flaw. woe.

i know what medisave is! it's compulsory part of cpf for hospitalisation for oneself and one's family members esp. after retirement. i <3 ss, it makes me smart.

2006-07-30T17:34:00.000+08:00

have been such an irritating annoying person these few days, shortfused and snappy and highly, highly irritable.
oh well. don't be such a vamp!, tomorrow's the 31st and i have no poetry ready to foyle with, oh the travesty, i am afraid of sending my delicate poem inton the big bad world to be stomped on and messed with...stories are okay, i think, because i don't put as much love and effort into them as i do poetry.
that's sad, i think.

everyone should go read insomniac by sylvia plath. i came across this poem last year when i helped shar analyse it. my new favourite poem.
&&&ammons is love, am still trying to find good anthology.

as i was scrounging through the meagre pickings of my bookshelf, i came across this devotional that charlene gave me for my birthday in sec one. i never used it so i think after deuteronomy (the constant exhortations of OBEY GOD'S COMMANDMENTS, kind of scary actually) i'll jump to 1 kings. the old testament's pretty cool actually haha.

i miss being a normal person.
Stop Studying Already! Go Out And Stop Reading Your Textbooks.

tag you're it. haven't been able to write anything really good either. just a couple of scary nightmares related to joyluckclub in a very odd, scary way. i've never had that problem with henry. lit gets under your skin, buries itself so deep and makes you feel for someone so much.

i wore a red hairband to school one day,
maverick!, they cried,
aghast. pull up your socks and sew up your belt
(like your collar, your eyes and your mouth)
i screamed about in circles, eyes wide shut,
&they marked my conduct down,
down, down: stairs marching always in one way,
a tide of blue dictated to sameness
(and only the blood red of a band of hair,
bruising the other apples.)

okay this entry is so poetry based.
CHEM MAKES ME HYSTERICAL:
ALL NITRATES ARE SOLUBLE.
nitrate <3

2006-07-27T18:10:00.000+08:00

there is a biology test tmrw (six chapters, but who's counting) and i can't bring myself to study.
that is bad. all i want to do now is lie on my bed and count daisy petals, the red kind.
there's actually a sort of subtle sexiness to bio, if you think about it. the fragility of a softly bending plant stem and the thin filament and style and drooping anthers. red petals with half-concealed nectar lines. so breakfast at tiffany's.
which reminds me, i really want the book.
however, nutrition and CARBOHYDRATES, there is nothing remotely romantic about that chapter. and microorganisms? pshaw!

i want to shop at flea markets and buy new things to make me happy again.
dang, i feel so damned sick of everything, want to blow everything off and just scream random words into the ocean and hope they drown there because i have such a bitch lately with mod-swingin' moods up-down-rollercoaster-round. bloody fish cut up to pieces, we should like totally dissect their carbohydrate, wrench apart the water molecule and call it hydrolysis.

ANGST AHOY. shit, too late.

anyway, i love four truth like meiji strawberry chocolate. all the rubbish people, quirky murky depths of each person, truth will not the same without anyone, even the errest ones hahaha. crap things we do in class, our complete apathy towards decorating our class' noticeboard, our dysfunctional relationship with our form teacher.
i don't care what anyone else says, TRUTH'06 BEST CLASS EVER <3

(koped from chingxz' blog)

spot the yellow bio book and blue physics one.
kissywissy, yellow umbrella!
purple even better.

2006-07-25T15:08:00.000+08:00

am in history extended. sitting next to cherie, who is very, very, very lame. but then again we already knew that. &chingxz, we know how she is with solitaire.
i like drinking how cool even though i am not huayu cool ):

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SU DARLING <3
we are both sixteen and Olddddd but i still love you anyway, even with all your wrinkles :D

ohhhh, who lives in a pineapple under sea!
I'D like to live in a pineapple under the sea.
spongebob just runs around being all spongy instead of taking Important Major exams and sitting for English Orals. that would be a good life, i think. floating amongst coral and random pieces of rubbish bobbing about waiting to strangle me/ poison me/ steal away my oxygen.

anyway i just thought about how blessed i am so that's cool but god's cooler.
maybe being sixteen genetically progammes you to be neurotic and guilty everytime you spend so much as one second not studying.

2006-07-18T19:48:00.000+08:00

ahahaha things i love:
1. five tests a week. more, i say! (i mean, what could be better than mugging your brains out every night with nary a break between!)
2. not going for baybeats
3. oc at midnight
4. being guilt-ridden at awful treatment of certain teachers

this is the life.
other things i like include being shot at dawn &peeling my nails off slowly.

Momentous Events:
1. passionfruit cell retreat
cycling to changi village at 11.30 pm is probably the most depraved things i have ever done in my short sixteen years of life.
okay, it was fun. &the retreat was really refreshing and great and woohoo.
2. stepping down
sometimes an emoticon says it all- )':
3. can't remember, so they probably weren't that momentous after all haha

i shall go study history now and hug hitler and WWII to sleep.
hitler + gestapo + ss + night of the long knives + genocide + rabid brainwashing
= great bedtime story!!

2006-07-11T19:02:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU
AM ECSTATIC BEYOND BELIEF.

you prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies,
you anoint my head with oil,
MY CUP RUNNETH OVER,
surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life
&i will dwell in the house of the lord forever

!!!
:DDDDDD

2006-07-02T23:18:00.000+08:00

happy (belated!) birthday to julia &siewying :D

y'know sometimes you think, why the hell did i ever entertain this stupid thing in the first place so that now to extract myself from the situation would be harder than removing self from quicksand?

THANKYOU :D to everyone who made my sixteenth birthday so special and happy and all strawberry shortcake pink!
thank you passionfruiters for the wonderful presents and the cake and the songs and the durian and the prayers and everything (:
for the little cell also for making my birthday so sweet
for everyone who came for my birthday party and participated in all the stupid things we did like take silly photos and trail behind our red and yellow balloon brandishing tourguides hahaha, singing and cheering loudly all the way, getting lost in the uluest and most overgrown part of the botanics, feeding the swans, listening to all the stories, taking pictures behind (fake) waterfalls, etc! really made my party super fun and thank you so much!
thank you to cclgmmhq for the gen birthday hotline hahaha
thank you to FAMILY for the fabulous birthday gifts, long distance phonecalls &putting up with my rubbish everyday.
thank you for everyone who messaged me and all :D

i feel so Old and Wise and Learned now.
even though i thought my birthday would suck because of ushering for open house, etc, but it didn't really matter in the end.
&something else i was telling chingxz yesterday on the bus. i've realised that i dont need people to constantly reassure me that im important by wishing me happy birthday or giving me superduperly nice presents because it doesn't matter anymore.
i mean, of course it matter a little bit but not so important that when it's my birthday i want to microphone it to the world.

yes so thank you everyone for making my 16th so wonderful.
XOXO

2006-06-29T21:04:00.000+08:00

i give up. i want to slam something down on somebody, really hard. or eat rat poison.
three tests today in (almost) solid succession. got through them with gritted teeth. had hilarious scolding by the molecute for returning to class two minutes late. was vibrating with laughter, real test of self control!

hellowellow shiny yellow i like the Stick and i hate feeling so stepped down from choir. four years and you've grown with choir and you've seen how choir's grown and you feel so )': to say bye because of all the memories and because you know how much it has grown and you want to help it grow more by like, feeding it with DHA and ADA milk powder or something hahaha.

okay i feel a lot better now

on a slightly more bimbotic note, the new burberry ads are gorgeous. i like burberry ads, all the time. even the perfume ones :D kate moss + stella tennant! +some lily donaldson!
though, the lv ones kind of disappoint, again. after last season's gisele bundchen neon slapschtick-happy ones, this season's is even more boring. to think i used to like mert alas and marcus piggot.

ohohohohohoh. MY SYLVIA PLATH IS HERE! after two months! i heart kino :D
am v. excited to collect it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SOHTENG! (yesterday)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEDORA! (yesterday)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMELIA! (tomorrow)

i like birthdays. i hope my birthday will be fun.
i'd like a driver's license and a pastel yellow volkswagon beetle, please.

2006-06-27T23:50:00.000+08:00

sn choir,
thank you for the good times, the bad times (few), and all the times in between. four years of being a saint nicks choir girl, so many performances i can't remember them all, the laughter, the tears, the ugly red uniform and looking like a giant blob of angpao on stage...
yes i'll miss them all.

jubilate tonight. we wanted to go out with a bang, but i guess we just ended our last performance as sn choristers with smiles &wanting to perform well. after crying like mad and hugging people left and right, it's really not that we didn't perform tjak (or the *&^%$@! reasons that accompanied it) but that it was our last performance as grey badgers together.

thank you, grey badge choristers 06.
I LOVE YOU!
we are the cohort of italy, czech, syf'05, fluid fusion, jubilate, lunchtime concerts, orientaions, open houses, farewells, flowers, fun and erness :D
once a grey badge chorister, always a grey badge chorister! you guys made choir what it is for me now, all the stupid things that we did, all the rubbish songs we learnt together and sing very loudly down the road to the bus stop.

if i could go back to sec one and rechoose my cca,
i would still choose choir.

aw this is so sappy, i need more kleenex.
last time! wearing the ugly red uniform! i still wonder why i'm sad.

thank you for the flowers guys! sorry we made you shout encore for nothing :/

2006-06-24T22:53:00.000+08:00

hello i feel a desperate need to introduce myself.
my name is gen and i will be sixteen in a week which scares me sillydillydilly lavendar blue which is ridiculous because lavendar is purple.
i can no longer write poetry, i am in the absolute depths of despair because everything i type out is painfully trivial ¬ worth being read, i shall KENtinue to beat myself up in this vein ad nauseum.

it was really, really great to be back in church after such a long absence.
fusion cell was thought provoking, service was Good, worship, excellent. sometimes i think it take absence to make the heart grow fonder. missing all this fellowship, etc was really taking a toll on my outlook and everything i don't know.
yes, so it was really great to be able to refocus back on god and getting all my priorities straight again.

not-so poem I:
one day i screamed so loud the sky fell down
&chicken little ran screaming. the blue clouds smothered
us like marshmellow pillows bent on world domination:
i wanted to pluck them from the sky and toast them
over barbeque fires flaming hot.

poem II:
a scroll painting
arthur yap (1943- june 19, 2006)

the mountains are hazy with timeless passivity
sprawling monotonously in the left-hand corner
while clouds diffuse and fill the entire top half
before bumping daintily into a bright red parakeet
perched suicide-like on a beautiful gnarled branch
arched by the weight of fruit and one ripe peach
hung a motionless inch from the gaping beak

here is transient beauty
caught in permanence
but of what avail is such perpetual unattainment?

i know the stupid bird can never eat the stupid peach

poem III:
he wishes for the cloths of heaven
william butler yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly, because you tread on my dreams.

-
i've just rediscovered yeats. he writes beautifully. note in this poem the way he rhymes "cloths" with "cloths", "light" with "light", "feet" with "feet, "dreams" with "dreams and he does it so skillfully it doesn't seem jarring at all.
i wouldn't have realised it at all if someone had not pointed it out to me. this poetry is so stunning. repetitive and softly echoing.

poetry makes me cry.

2006-06-24T01:11:00.000+08:00

it is pouring outside, a huge bucket full of water tipped over and all the roses spilling out, the sky is this beautiful shade of rose dusky pink, the lights of all the hdb flats are all softly lit and silhouetted vaguely against this gorgeous backdrop and everything's shrouded by this sheet of water and the sound of rain and OH, I LOVE RAIN.
i love nights like this and lazy lazy days like this. it's like i don't have o'levels or anything just very nice sleeping at home and watching mindless tv and reading the anne books all over again for the 38274743th time.
and you know, not studying.

it is 1.15 in the morning and i have chem tuition and a real long day in front of me but i just had to blog about the rain, haha because i do love rain, this sort of rain's so personal like your best friend, not the sort with screaming wind that slams against your windows and doors, desperate to come in and /or wriggle their way into your heart so at least someone loves them. sometimes i think i'm so much the latter, it's pathetic.

dsa auditions were...entertaining. not fabulous but i met lynnette again today at hc which was so great i was so excited. she was my interviewer! after two years! &we finally meet again at auditions! omg and how cool is that.

i need to buy my prom dress.

2006-06-19T16:09:00.000+08:00

i am irritable and unfriendly. i will snarl at unremarkable people and growl like a guard dog pumped on steroids.
veering from sick to not-sick and hovering in the not-quite-sick yet sick-enough is disruptive to me mentally. i watched this show on tv this afternoon and it hit home that winners are mentally strong and i am lazy and because of that i allow myself to languish in my sick state instead of going to run, etc.

today i am (semi) proud of myself. i have completed three compres and two tiankongs and am going for math tuition and later Family Dinner and yesterday i understood (most of) qihang and bought a skirt and had dinner with sonia and tmrw i am going to school for choir from 9-5 and on thursday i shall get my cca record, go for rj dsa audits, watch the ld production and go for the st peter's anniversary dinner and talk to boring people.
that was a very long setence and this week i shall be Productive! (unlike last week)
okay go gen.

i lead a boring life but fraught with great trauma and obstacles to overcome everyday but i am strong and brave and can leap over them with the greatest amount of chutzpah.
one day i will be like neil gaiman and write gorgeous books, one day i will be like rainer maria rilke and e. e. cummings and sylvia plath and write poetry that will make you cry because it touches the heart of you.
one day the universe will become a long stripey string and i will twine it round my heart to keep me here.

positive reaffirmation, ahoy.

2006-06-14T17:39:00.000+08:00

hello i am home.

i am so proud of:
1. the chij st nicholas girls' school choir
2. natalie pua

why? because
1. we topped both categories with 94. double golds, baby!
2. she got into RJC DSAAAAAAAAAAA!

so, woohoo!
czech was bloody amazing when i grow up i will move to olomouc and live in the park across hotel flora. even though everyone in czech
1. smokes
2. owns a dog
czech dogs are cuter than singapore dogs, so i wasn't scared of them. except for those huge scary-looking ones with cages over their mouths, they stalk past me and scare me silly.
i swear i'll get lung cancer from this over-exposure to cigarette smoke. and since czech is like perma-airconditioned, good grief, the smoke is everywhere.

haha, czech was really awesome :D met funny people there, etc. even though there were some stupid time-wasting crap that happened, i'm so glad i went to czech.

HELLO CHOIR SEC FOURS,
I <3 YOU (:
you guys really made the trip so fabulous and yay, we bonded over bitching, cup noodles and milo in tiny hotel rooms :D
it's funny how we only all became friends after this trip, just before we're about to graduate (&thank god for that, the junior of the juniors really drive me mad with their obscene lack of small fry-ness)

image station irks me.
i cant upload any photos even though they're all in my comp. so it's not my fault okay xuelingxz :D

dsa scares me ):

2006-06-06T01:06:00.000+08:00

i am insane.
no srsly, tmrw i am hopping on a plane for a twelve hour flight to frankfurt and then prague and it is 1:12 in the morning and i am not sleeping. somebody give me a sleeping pill.

i have realised that my writing has changed so much over the years. it's like when i was in primary school and fe started writing poems i used to be all i've never writing poetry!!! i'm going to be a novellist!!!! and then in sec two cap changed me so much and now my poetry too, in sec three it used to be so imagery-rich and i dno, now i've just kept basically to a stark image, after reading truman capote and the way he writes, all that minimalism. and reading what he said, a lot of writers do overwrite and get too involved and ostentatious with their work. i just don't want poetry to be so serious for me all the time, i want it to tell offbeat stories you read in fillers in newspapers.

yeah well that was just a solitary ramble through the gradual past of My Development. it's good to sit back and reflect for a while.
nymphet let loose in airport lounge made me laugh while writing it so, haha, though it's quite an awful massacring of nabokov and shameful use of the name lolita but i couldn't help myself.
may i also say here that i adore kel wee's writing and she is one hell of a talented writer.

i was so excited tonight, i finally watched desperate housewives and grey's anatomy for the first time since like, the march holidays. bully for Tests on Tuesday!

okay tmrw we will leave for czech.
may it be a good time (god bless every one of us) &may we not die of frostbite or hypothermia. i have decided against bringing thermal wear so may I not die of cold-related illnesses.
and may i have enough euros to buy world cup things for every male i know (including but not restricted to, my father, brother, cousin and uncle).

2006-06-04T23:45:00.000+08:00

i saw you tonight but you didn't say hi.
krazy girl konfused with krushing konflicting feelings.
sorry i don't know what's with all the Ks either.

fun things:
1. balloon hat festival
2. mong's partay
3. singing her birthday song three times
4. buying her birthday barney stuff :D
5. talking with the click and picking apart singapore idol!
6. sentosa &friends
7. sleeping in on monday mornings!!!

not so fun things:
1. finding lost ezlink card only to find out that i still have to make a new one cos my mother cancelled the old one.
2. brothers &sand.
3. not shopping.

lists. i want white things. there's a certain purity and it-can-match-everything about white that makes my heart go pitter-patter.

i like the thought of not having gravity to weigh you down.
but it's like having morals. they may be heavyweights but their purpose is pure (funny line haha) so sometimes you may not like having morals but they are essential, like gravity if not you'll float off into the stratosphere and get fried.

edith is my best friend, srsly. if anything happened to her i would mourn forever.
byebye kongkong. he has escaped the inescapable wall of humidity here in singapore into the land of dimsum, pollution and excellent shopping. he will be back on 15july which means after my (possible) party!! ): i think it'll be my first time without my grandpa by my side for my birthday ): i miss him already

hello goodbye how are you.
i am fine thank you.
&there is no school tmrw which makes me more fine.

2006-05-31T19:46:00.000+08:00

TWO MORE DAYS. i will hug that to myself, two more days of chem and math and mind-numbingly stupid lessons and thank god we don't have to go to school next week if not i'll torch that building down, i swear.
the minute i step into school i yearn to get out.
(and that sounded too emoserious for words)

people disturb me. they wreck my concentration and my mood and everything, especially when they insult others blatantly without coming to clarify anything with anyone!!! i mean, awesome argument there. you know, when you're supposed to be all togethery and united, it really helps if one is backmouthing the rest!!

chem pract tmrw, someone teach me how to identify i dno, ions and stuff.
i read the pract notes and all i feel is this rolling mass of Konfusion. it's sad.

I CHANGED MY NUMBER! so please please message my old number telling me who you are and i will message back and you will have my new number! because now i have like no one's number. i surrended my old sim card and now contacts of four years have been wiped out in a blink.

i want this week to end so, so badly. it's the holidays for crying out loud, can i not have a solid day of slacking?! and also, we broke a lock yesterday night trying to break into albenz with a key that doesn't seem to be able to open any door.
don't ask me how we did it, but i'm sure we can be qualified as geniuses for doing so.

and i lost my ezlink card.
it's blue. and has a really ugly picture of me. it also has my ic number, my date of birth, and my name. so if you find it i will love you forever (bonus points if you tell me you found it three nanoseconds after you do)

(insert random angst eg, i hate this bloody school &want to kill myself to get away from the o levels, etc, here)

i shall now proceed to watch the o.c. and cry my eyes out because two more episodes ~~til marissa dies~~
)':

2006-05-29T10:59:00.000+08:00

oh i forgot to say
GOOD LUCK CHINESE O'S PEOPLE!
:D

2006-05-29T10:21:00.000+08:00

i am so happy.
okay not happy that i am semi-sick and semi-grounded for being semi-sick but happy anyway.

heaven is a mega book sale.
srsly, that is my new theory, shopping makes the world go round &upside down.
kino having 20% off makes my week fantabulously amazingly stellar hurrah wheeee!

what i coerced my mum into buying for me:
1. rilke's book of hours: love poems to god
2. the complete stories of truman capote
and also ordered,
3. the collected poems of sylvia plath

I AM IN HEAVEN. i stood at the poetry section AGONISING for ages and ages while my mum went, "huh haven't you ordered one poetry book already can you buy a novel please"
so i chose rilke and she MADE me get something else and i was so torn between flighty &stupid and intellectual &sth i can read over and over again.
so i got the short stories because it had my favourite christmas story, though sadly not breakfast at tiffany's.

life will never be bad again!!!!
and i got butter-soft jeans for a whopping 18$ which made all my bargain instincts rise up and sigh in a very cat-like purring way.
andandand okay i didn't really get anything else except new craft stuff from spotlight and food for czech from marks &spencers' so we will be very well-fed there.

okay next month i will spend my allowance on eliot and ammons.
i need a job to finance my pathetic addiction to poetry and clothes. and shoes and earrings and bags.

CAP STARTS TODAY!!!
OH, IF ONLY I WAS IN JC ):

2006-05-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

my new favourite colour is white. i want to buy many white things.
today is the last day of term two!!!!!
after the english mock exam, i came home and fell asleep while reading.
i lead such an exciting life.

june not-so holidays! it disrupts my steady study plan. i assure you i will leave my books to be overtaken by dust bunny populations while i frolick in various theatres and shopping malls. EVERYONE SHOULD READ TRUMAN CAPOTE. THE MAN IS A LITERARY GENIUS.
i was reading the short story 'a christmas memory' after i completed paper one today and it was unbelieveably beautiful.

rain and the smell of rain drives me crazy the way the rain tapdances across your window panes and sheets down noisily and you're inside all tucked up and safe with the wind screaming against the windows and lightning cutting the sky and thunder pounding down your door; i've come to realise there's beauty in ordinary things like pink flowers on buses and a friend's hug.

and that even though some people come and always ruin your day with their insensitivity, etc, these people can be ignored in the light of the o.c.

FAIRFIELD TMRW! PLEASE GOD, MAY WE DO WELL.
&shit, i really, really need my cca record! piffle.

2006-05-24T21:40:00.000+08:00

vroom!, vinyl vespas coming through.
vectors should be vanquished and obliterated from the face of this earth.
i am so sleepy and tired and slouchy and grouchy these few days. i should be green, furry and live in a garbage can and be called oscar.
i miss sesame street!!! snuffles looks cool on my pencilbox: he is purple and has a orange and white stripey hat with a white flower. the elephant on my pencilbox is more put-together than i am.

qihang with sonia in june, hurrah! finally an outing with the fab friend (-al, boo)
i want to meet up with everyone &talk and buy three thousand books of poetry because holiday fever's hitting town! FINALLY, uninterrupted eight hours of sleep without sudden waking in the night to recite maths formulae or chem info just to make sure they're still in your brain safely.

tangle me up in your star spangled necklaces twined round thin white necks ready for the breaking, shudder me over crispy cereal cold milk down long throats, filament lines of dipping flowers i would pluck the styles of bougainvilleas for you: call me desperate call me stupid call me crazy just call me.

I LIVE FOR KINDER SURPRISE. when you're stressed you should go fix the toys in kinder surprise because they are amazingly stellar it's even better than breakfast at tiffany's.

2006-05-23T20:30:00.000+08:00

aaaaaaaangst! some people are just calling out to be kicked, srsly.
don't know anything and still they make (lousy) judgement calls based on flimsy and obviously unthought-through logic. i don't have time to deal with your insecurity and inferiority complex so go bug somebody else, babe!

safety pins and safety schools and safety nets to catch you when you fall, i like the yellow retro print on my bolster and my pooh duvet.
i don't want to do any worrrrrrrrrrrk i want to sleep and pretend i'm six years old and my teddy bear is still my best friend. where tests didn't exist and there was always naptime!
i miss naptime. why can't we have naptime in secondary school then life would be so much better.

VECTORS MOCK ME
they know i am ridiculously vectors-challenged (shut up about "but emath vectors are soooo damn easy!!!" they are not.) &so the math department must purposely insert a vectors test on the last week of school just to make my life that little bit more of hell.
i love the math department!!! math tests everyday next term except monday. omg why no math test on monday!? WHAT SACRILEDGE. i won't come to school on monday anymore because the thought of having no math test is just SO terribly depressing.

moisturise my sanitised heart,
slick over and under and around,
tying red ribbon dangling from rooftops
screaming my name like an aeroplane
trailing loop-dee-loops in cloud-studded
skies blue with the promise of eternity.

i just read truman capote's breakfast at tiffany's. that book's amazing, capital a, holly captures my imagination. i want to learn french and get a cat (okay maybe not the last bit)

and a large-ish slouchy white tote for czech.

2006-05-22T21:38:00.000+08:00

omg today is such a happy day.
it's monday, which means desperate housewives &grey's anatomy!
&i missed 2/3 of recess duty today cos of sectionals, dawn just emailed me and really, really, really made my day, kel sent me a gorgeous poem by ammons and i just read a heart-stoppingly beautiful one by rilke AND we had a descriptive essay timed piece!!
i sound insanely fascinated with doing timed pieces BUT NO I AM NOT LIKE THAT, it's just that "timed piece" usually means dastardly comprehension so composition was a heady change.

i should really get to my henry so that i can ask mrs chan for a reference without feeling quilty that i didnt do her work.

yesterday was chingxz' birthday. maybe since she's sixteen she'll be less er!! :DD doubt so, but one can always hope eh.
or maybe she should never change because then she won't be the highly er ching i lUrBbxZx 2 bEeEeEeTxZx :D
YOU'RE FINALLY LEGAL CHINGXZ!
&the click outing yesterday was also very fun.

THE TWO POEMS.

To Music
rainer maria rilke

Music: breathing of statues. Perhaps:
stillness of pictures. You speech, where speeches
end. You time,
vertically poised on the courses of vanishing hearts.

Feelings for what? Oh, you transformation
of feelings into...audible landscapes!
You stranger: Music. Space that's outgrown us,
heart-space. Innermost ours,
that, passing our limits, outsurges, -
holiest parting:
where what is within us surrounds us
as practised horizon, as other
side of the air,
pure,
gigantic,
no longer lived in.

rapids
a. r. ammons

Fall's leaves are redder than
spring's flowers, have no pollen,
and also sometimes fly, as the wind
schools them out or down in shoals
or droves: though I
have not been here long, I can
look up at the sky at night and tell
how things are likely to go for
the next hundred million years:
the universe will probably not find
a way to vanish nor I
in all that time reappear.

-
i couldn't breathe while reading them, they are so bloody amazing. poetry makes me high.

2006-05-16T21:20:00.000+08:00

HYPERVENTILATES.
what have i gotten myself into.
but thank you, kel. without you i would have just clicked delete and to hell with children's poems and all that unnecessary hoohah! really. can't wait to see you tmrw! :D and g too, yay!

i have come to the conclusion that i am a very selfish person. it's not a particularly good trait. and that i'm also not a very good person. and that i come up with very very funny insults which don't really make sense.

hyperbole! new favourite word.
a figure of speech in which exaggeration is used for emphasis or effect
courtesy of dictionary.com
it is represented by hyp on my NEW, SHINY, WRONG calculator though that one is like a modulus.
i use hyperboles quite frequently.

good grief, DSA is too much trouble and heart trauma, i'm sure a person could die from it. after evaluating my life and the big events which have occured in it, i have concluded that, i have nothing for dsa. no school would want me on the basis of my virtues or perceived strengths because they are non-existent.
also because my spelling is very bad.
i, on the other hand, am a salivating desperate piece of a girl dying to claw her way into some jc without the need to mug her brains out and stress herself silly. preferably a good jc, thanks.
so that's not really a good equation because there are thousands of hopeful wannabes like me out there who, like me, have nothing to differentiate them from the masses of alike-thinking, crassly-commercialised Normal People.

also, KI sounds particularly interesting!
it's where you learn Reading and Writing. which i learnt in primary school, so i'm sure i'll ace that component! yay.
have i mentioned how much i haaaaate the o's? blood- and life-sucking leeches i bet you pumped so much anticoagulants into my bloodstream that the white blood cells are driving themselves crazy trying to agglutinate and destroy so i'll bleed to death on the cold bathroom floor, toothbrush in right hand.

stupid jcs. i will now come up with a suitable list of conversation topics so that we won't always keep talking about JCs, JC combinations and DSA but instead develop a more global outlook.
right. i sound like a school mission statement. i should set up my own JC!! i shall call it the gen jc and it will accept people with lousy L1R5s and no outstanding achievements like me.

head aches. suitably long blog entry, so i'm off to stick my finger in my eye and to bed.

2006-05-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

rescue missions

i. solution
it's not rocket science, baby,
this molotov cocktail of dynamite!
proportions. all you do-gooders raring to go
stand tall, stand firm, ready,
eat your spinach and pan for gold
in the depths of bleeding hearts,
pinned struggling to sleeves blackened
with swiped tears. or maybe it's texan:
dig hard and strike it rich,
vegas showgirls spinning.

ii. sanctity
we all thought she was the only
one worth saving,
the solitary queen of hearts left
on the deck of a drowning titanic. we thought
we had to protect her against dangerous
shadows sliding under cracks, broken
hearts and stupid people. we thought we could
be her superhero white knight on tall horse,
search and rescue, seeking and finding.

even flowers die.

-
i think it's actually two poems trying to be strung together.
i want to chase the wind and eat alphabets off asphalt.
my nose is strangling me.

this sounds so emo, i just thought of it!!
"i need to drink alphabet soup now so that i can find words to say to you"

goodnight starlight
i feel like buying nail polish and a ukelele, like stargirl, and have a bright pink book cover.
oh, and a big white bag too.

2006-05-03T21:09:00.000+08:00

can you get MCs for muscle ache.
napfa is a torture device inserted very sneakily by moe into curriculum so that school-going children will not only be wrecked mentally (by tests, exams, and the rest of their ilke), but also physically. they may say that napfa is to make sure that everyone is fit and healthy, but really, its purpose is to reduce all of us into paper-chasing, pap-voting, unthinking clones.
DOWN WITH NAPFA, I SAY!

people should understand that blogs are very, very public things by nature and think more before they write malicious /slanderous /wholly erronous (or all of the above!) things and hurt people. by not doing so just proves how very immature you are (:

haha i've realised the above kind of contradicts what i said about napfa. but it's not malicious! just highly annoyed.
my brother really cannot grasp the concept of muscle ache. it means, your muscles hurt. SO STOP JUMPING ON MY BED.

oh it's really sad when you're in an uncontested GRC. i feel unwanted!
where are all the fervent rallies with ministers spitting in each other's faces about minute issues which are quite stupid, really! where are all the posters! the trucks with the posters stuck all over with loud hailers blasting! the people giving out pamphlets which you will throw away once you reach the nearest dustbin!!!
the nation's general election, and this GRC doesn't get to experience any of it. how disappointing.
st nicks is going to be a polling station, oh i feel excited (:
plus the 1.5 hours early dismissal on friday helps a lot too, haha.
class outing anyone? THE ZOO! or the hostel can be our new macs :D

2006-05-02T22:06:00.000+08:00

apple irks me.
the company, and that spawn of satan it created, the itunes, of which i can find no conceivable way to covert /upload any single dvd, be it pirated or geuine or from a cd or from my computer.
i am highly annoyed.
you can underline and bold that a few times.

i predict muscle cramps tomorrow morning as four truth embarks of their 2.4 run the day right after they did their five items. owwww. plus my brother, who does not seem to be able to grasp the concept of "muscle cramp" and "2.4 tomorrow" used in the same sentence, keeps saying things like "let's do situps!", "eh i can jump five squares, you can anot?"
i can see through his thinly veiled ploy to entertain himself while avoiding study.
HAH, even though my arms are aching from doing twelve inclined pull-ups (GO GEN, master of the lack of upper arm strength!!), i am still astute enough to decline and went to do the orchid park compre instead.

i need you here tonight,
just like the ocean needs the waves

listening to mae while doing compre is probably not the best idea i've had in a long while.
i just realised that lyt is short form for layout.
smacks head and goes, oh yeah.
harlequin girls, baby! drip, drap, drag, die mamee monster!

i have given up utterly on ipod.
this is a plaintive, desperate cry for help.

oh haha i just realised something,
today wasn't so bad after all (:
also, bio is full of crap and i don't know what subject to take as H1 in jc.

2006-04-30T23:30:00.000+08:00

okay i'm back.
I AM A VERY HAPPY GIRL.
the stars seem to be shining down on me, beaming their happy little smiley faces and it seems as though nothing could ever be wrong again because

1. GREEN HOUSE IS THE OVERALL CHAMPION THIS YEAR!
that alone kept me smiling all through friday night- sunday afternoon. incessant happiness must be very irritating /intimidating because i was giggly and stupid all day, leading to audrey threatening to get rid of me somehow, in this very menancing i'm-going-to-chloroform-you-into-oblivion way.
but YES, we are awesome. and i am so happy because finally, finally, finally!
photos will be uploaded soon, i promise!

2. EDITH IS MINE.
name subject to change on whim. I GOT MY IPOD. i am now cramming it with all the songs i can scrounge up from the depths of my laptop. and waiting eagerly to do some tech-geek stuff to my oc so i can cram that in too. oh, happiness knows no bounds!!

3. tomorrow is labour day.
ie, a public holiday. knowing you can wake up at twelve on a monday without ponning school is probably the best drug anyone could ever take!

the little cell is also doing really well and growing so much and well, it's really so gratifying i don't know but today i feel so, so, so blessed and next time when i'm in the depths of despair over some inane superficial thing yet again i shall look back at this time of pure unadulterated happiness and be happy again.
life seems to be everlastingly happy again, even though the weather is so lousy that walking in un-airconditioned air is like constantly slamming into a brick wall of humidity.

i want to go to borders and get 10$ poetry anthologies, i want auden and cummings and plath and carol ann duffy and ELIOT and oh.
life seems saturated in a sort of girlwirly blissful bliss.